The Rollercoaster

She changed her mind AGAIN. It made me so mad. She came out in the garage Monday night and said she just couldn't take it, that we HAD to leave Tuesday afternoon after she got out of work. So I jumped into action. I told her to cash her miniscule check and ask to borrow twenty dollars from someone and then we'd have enough for gas and my brother could drive us down there and come back the next day. That was the plan. I packed ALL of my stuff; my clothes, books, journal, Bible, vitamins, toiletries... all of it. She was supposed to get out of work on 2:00 Tuesday afternoon and tell my dad she was leaving and then we were going to take off.

So I get up, and my dad knew something was wrong, but I told him I couldn't tell him what it was. He told me that he and mom had talked and she had asked him if he thought a separation was best and he said no, of course. So I found out from my dad of all people two hours before she was supposed to be home that she had changed her mind again. Or rather, as my grandma called it, "had her mind changed for her". I don't think I've cried that hard in a very, very long time. Not because I was so much upset over the fact that she wasn't leaving, it was because I'm sick of having my chain yanked all over the world, back and forth. It's exhausting.

The best thing that came out of this, though, is that even if she's not coming with me, I'm going to stay with the grams. Most likely for the rest of the summer until such time as I come back here, go to SAU, or "Secret Option C" which I have yet to discover. I'm so happy for that, I'm totally praising God for it. I haven't seen her or my grandpa in a year and a half since I left their house last time and I have missed them almost every single day since then. I'm very, very excited and thankful and joyous.

So it's six days until my visit to SAU and thirteen days until I find out my GED scores. YAY!

God. Is. Good.

God's Provision

After we met, I went to the front of Great Lakes where there was a bench in the sun and just sat and waited. I talked to God for a little while, and asked, even though it was later in the day, for a preceding word. It came in so clear: "Provision. I want you to see My provision." I didn't know really what that meant, but I knew I'd find out.

Sure enough, when the 'rents got there, I got in the car and found out that they made a combined total of $36 this past week because of vacations and other various things. It took me awhile to realize it, but then the word "provision" popped into my head again and I told God, "I'm going to praise You through this because I know You will provide in the midst of this." We got home and my brother offered to take us to lunch, then I came back home and laid down for a nap.

When I woke up, I received news from my sister that "the other woman" had texted my dad saying that she missed him. My mom had been told this morning that those conversations had stopped. She really wants to leave for my grandma's NOW, but we have no means to do so what with lack of money and all. I know that this is an attack on my view of how God provides, I just don't know HOW it is. I also don't know what He's supposed to provide in the midst of this. Peace? Understanding? All I know is that I will continue to praise Him through this because I know He's here, even if I don't understand.

Seeking God's Will...

How do you get a definite answer from God? I believe that He wants me at Spring Arbor. Obviously, whether or not I get accepted is a good indicator, but I got accepted at Flint, and that fell through because He didn't want me there. I have a FAFSA processed, am finishing my GED, and Spring Arbor has said they will work with me, meaning that it's not a problem if my GED scores don't get there until early August, it won't be too late. However if/when I get accepted, I want to know that it's what God has for me. That it's where He wants me. I don't want to go there and be miserable because I didn't seek His will and didn't go where He wanted me. I hate being so afraid of taking the wrong step because I'm still not sure how God speaks to me, how He gives me definite answers. I will say one thing, doors seem to be opening more easily for SAU than they did for Flint. Also, I've heard the same Bible verse repeatedly through different, separate outlets... altogether I think six times in the last three days. Romans 8:28... I like how The Message puts it:

• ^26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

I believe that He can, will, and IS working this for something good. But how do you change that sentence, "I believe SAU is where God wants me" to "I KNOW SAU is where God has called me, and I'm going"? Good news about my FAFSA, in any case... my EFC was calculated as $0 so I'm eligible for a LOT of Pell Grants, Work Study, and Low-Interest Loans. I was happy to hear that. :)

Notes from a Bible reading...

So in reading James 4 and 1 Peter 5 last night, I thought I'd take some notes with points and questions and put them up here so that you can look over them. They're disjointed, much like my brain is, but I had a pretty cool epiphany at the end of my study last night, so stay with me. :)

• James was writing to Christians scattered throughout the Roman empire. His letter was more like a short book of instructions on daily living.
• James 4 warns against friendship with the world.
  
• James believed that faith lead to deed. Without action, faith is dead.

• "Resist the devil. Surrender to God."

1. I've found I have such a hard time letting go... surrendering.
2. "The closer I draw to God, the closer He will draw to me." What does that mean?
3. "Purify your hearts, you people who can't make up your mind." What does James mean by this i.e. make up your mind about what? Your own salvation? Your obedience?
   
4. At first I was confused about verse 9. I thought it was contradictory towards every passage that tells you to rejoice and be joyful. But is it about truly owning/feeling what you've done? Your helplessness without God?
   
5. I take it that verse 10 is a promise?

While reading 1 Peter 5, I began to realize that I REALLY needed a clearer definition of what the word "humble" meant. Since, after all, it is not a word the world uses in every day lingo, I've never really grasped the concept of the word. And here's where the epiphany comes in. I grabbed my trusty old dictionary and looked up the word "humble". And any word in the definition of "humble" that I needed a clearer definition of, I looked up, as well. Here's the list I came up with:

• Humble- marked by meekness or modesty
• Modest- placing a moderate estimate on one's abilities or worth
• Meek- showing patience and a gentle disposition; submissive
• Submit- to surrender to another's authority
• Surrender- to give up or to yield possession or power

Are you seeing the epiphany that was taking place? I slowly began to develop my own definition for humility. "Showing patience with God's timing. Giving up any power or possession of myself that I think I have to God's authority. Recognizing that my worth and abilities are defined and come to me only through Him. Without Him, I am nothing and can do nothing."

Love these lyrics

I heard a new Superchick song today and I loved the lyrics a lot. Here's what they say:

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl
Well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through

O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears

When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You'll find me here





The best thing for me, I think, is knowing that no matter what I go through, He will see me through. I am never alone, even if it seems to be so. I bend, but I never break because He sees me through and He's always there. I put my purity ring back on last night and it's amazing what it does. When it sparkles up at me, it reminds me that I am not my own. I was bought with a price. When it catches my eye, it reminds me of the promises I have made to God, and it reminds me of who God is and what He can do. I'm never taking it off for more than five minutes EVER again. Haha.

Beatitude Blog! At long last!

YAY! I finally did it! I'm such a horrid procrastinator, I tell you. *sigh*

So... the first Beatitude says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven." And here are my questions:

• What does it mean to be poor in spirit?
• What does being poor in spirit look like in every day life?
• My study Bible says: "in contrast to the spiritually proud and self-sufficient", but what does that mean?
• What is Jesus promising when He says: "for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven"? Will they have a special place in heaven?

So not a very long list... but yeah. A good start. :)

Sorry it took me long, Kimmy! I've actually been having a rough time... again. But I looked at myself lately and realized how negative I am when I'm not in sync with God. I'm just not a good person... imagine that. I remember how much I used to look forward to reading my Bible every night and I haven't done it in so long... I want to be ME again and get past this stupid fog that's been plaguing me. Anyway... yeah. :)

3/26/2009: Surgery

It's been decided. I'll be having surgery on April 6, 2009. I am terrified, and I have to evaluate the reasons why. I told my dad tonight that the thought of facing my mortality again, of staring it down like I did two years ago... I just don't wish to do it again. He mentioned that my faith should keep me secure. No matter what happens, I will be safe and okay. I know that I need not have a fear of death anymore, but I'm nineteen for goodness sake. I'm just now starting to like my life and where it's headed, and it'd be a real shame if I went into that OR and never came out alive.

Well, maybe it wouldn't be a shame. I can't say what my reaction would be if I came face-to-face with the Most High, but I don't think it'd, "Aww... really? Why?" Haha. I definitely have a fear of facing all of those emotions over again, though. It was horrifyingly difficult last time they wheeled me into that OR to think about the hours, days, weeks, and months ahead. I was naive last time, this time I'm burned and scarred. Neither is very good, neither is the right frame of mind.

I feel this awful constraint because of time. I have the surgery on the sixth... okay, that's fine. That gives me plenty of time to get over the physical pain and, most likely, even drop a little more weight and become physically stronger by the time school starts in the Fall. However, I have the GED to think about, a driver's license, a job... how am I supposed to do all of these things in almost exactly five months? (Surgery on April 6th, school starts on September 8th). I've said and thought before that if worse comes to worst, I can defer my acceptance for a semester. I don't know why the thought of that makes me so sad. I mean, I WOULD be going, just not when I anticipated. Maybe it's because I fear that if I defer acceptance for one semester, I never WILL go. And that'd crush me, seriously.

I'm also pretty terrified of the physical pain. I remember what it was like last time. So many post-op patients will tell you that they don't really remember the pain. Well, I don't know about them, but I know that for me, that'd be a lie. I remember it quite vividly and it pretty much blew. I thought I was dying, felt like I had been stabbed... what have you. I'm so scared of going through all of that all over again.

And... if I'm being completely honest, I have this weird yet quite real fear that I'll lose it again. That somehow things will start to fall like they did last time and that I'll break down again, lose myself again, end up letting it all slip out of my fingers and be back at square one like I was last time. Sitting on a bed at Pine Rest in the wee hours of the morning thinking of nothing but what brought me there. It's crazy. My parents tell me that this is what all adults deal with. If that's the case, can I choose the option of being a kid forever? Buying my one-way ticket to Neverland?

There are probably about a billion other "fears" I could discuss, but I won't.

I guess I just don't know what to do...