The Rollercoaster

She changed her mind AGAIN. It made me so mad. She came out in the garage Monday night and said she just couldn't take it, that we HAD to leave Tuesday afternoon after she got out of work. So I jumped into action. I told her to cash her miniscule check and ask to borrow twenty dollars from someone and then we'd have enough for gas and my brother could drive us down there and come back the next day. That was the plan. I packed ALL of my stuff; my clothes, books, journal, Bible, vitamins, toiletries... all of it. She was supposed to get out of work on 2:00 Tuesday afternoon and tell my dad she was leaving and then we were going to take off.

So I get up, and my dad knew something was wrong, but I told him I couldn't tell him what it was. He told me that he and mom had talked and she had asked him if he thought a separation was best and he said no, of course. So I found out from my dad of all people two hours before she was supposed to be home that she had changed her mind again. Or rather, as my grandma called it, "had her mind changed for her". I don't think I've cried that hard in a very, very long time. Not because I was so much upset over the fact that she wasn't leaving, it was because I'm sick of having my chain yanked all over the world, back and forth. It's exhausting.

The best thing that came out of this, though, is that even if she's not coming with me, I'm going to stay with the grams. Most likely for the rest of the summer until such time as I come back here, go to SAU, or "Secret Option C" which I have yet to discover. I'm so happy for that, I'm totally praising God for it. I haven't seen her or my grandpa in a year and a half since I left their house last time and I have missed them almost every single day since then. I'm very, very excited and thankful and joyous.

So it's six days until my visit to SAU and thirteen days until I find out my GED scores. YAY!

God. Is. Good.

God's Provision

After we met, I went to the front of Great Lakes where there was a bench in the sun and just sat and waited. I talked to God for a little while, and asked, even though it was later in the day, for a preceding word. It came in so clear: "Provision. I want you to see My provision." I didn't know really what that meant, but I knew I'd find out.

Sure enough, when the 'rents got there, I got in the car and found out that they made a combined total of $36 this past week because of vacations and other various things. It took me awhile to realize it, but then the word "provision" popped into my head again and I told God, "I'm going to praise You through this because I know You will provide in the midst of this." We got home and my brother offered to take us to lunch, then I came back home and laid down for a nap.

When I woke up, I received news from my sister that "the other woman" had texted my dad saying that she missed him. My mom had been told this morning that those conversations had stopped. She really wants to leave for my grandma's NOW, but we have no means to do so what with lack of money and all. I know that this is an attack on my view of how God provides, I just don't know HOW it is. I also don't know what He's supposed to provide in the midst of this. Peace? Understanding? All I know is that I will continue to praise Him through this because I know He's here, even if I don't understand.

Seeking God's Will...

How do you get a definite answer from God? I believe that He wants me at Spring Arbor. Obviously, whether or not I get accepted is a good indicator, but I got accepted at Flint, and that fell through because He didn't want me there. I have a FAFSA processed, am finishing my GED, and Spring Arbor has said they will work with me, meaning that it's not a problem if my GED scores don't get there until early August, it won't be too late. However if/when I get accepted, I want to know that it's what God has for me. That it's where He wants me. I don't want to go there and be miserable because I didn't seek His will and didn't go where He wanted me. I hate being so afraid of taking the wrong step because I'm still not sure how God speaks to me, how He gives me definite answers. I will say one thing, doors seem to be opening more easily for SAU than they did for Flint. Also, I've heard the same Bible verse repeatedly through different, separate outlets... altogether I think six times in the last three days. Romans 8:28... I like how The Message puts it:

• ^26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

I believe that He can, will, and IS working this for something good. But how do you change that sentence, "I believe SAU is where God wants me" to "I KNOW SAU is where God has called me, and I'm going"? Good news about my FAFSA, in any case... my EFC was calculated as $0 so I'm eligible for a LOT of Pell Grants, Work Study, and Low-Interest Loans. I was happy to hear that. :)

Notes from a Bible reading...

So in reading James 4 and 1 Peter 5 last night, I thought I'd take some notes with points and questions and put them up here so that you can look over them. They're disjointed, much like my brain is, but I had a pretty cool epiphany at the end of my study last night, so stay with me. :)

• James was writing to Christians scattered throughout the Roman empire. His letter was more like a short book of instructions on daily living.
• James 4 warns against friendship with the world.
  
• James believed that faith lead to deed. Without action, faith is dead.

• "Resist the devil. Surrender to God."

1. I've found I have such a hard time letting go... surrendering.
2. "The closer I draw to God, the closer He will draw to me." What does that mean?
3. "Purify your hearts, you people who can't make up your mind." What does James mean by this i.e. make up your mind about what? Your own salvation? Your obedience?
   
4. At first I was confused about verse 9. I thought it was contradictory towards every passage that tells you to rejoice and be joyful. But is it about truly owning/feeling what you've done? Your helplessness without God?
   
5. I take it that verse 10 is a promise?

While reading 1 Peter 5, I began to realize that I REALLY needed a clearer definition of what the word "humble" meant. Since, after all, it is not a word the world uses in every day lingo, I've never really grasped the concept of the word. And here's where the epiphany comes in. I grabbed my trusty old dictionary and looked up the word "humble". And any word in the definition of "humble" that I needed a clearer definition of, I looked up, as well. Here's the list I came up with:

• Humble- marked by meekness or modesty
• Modest- placing a moderate estimate on one's abilities or worth
• Meek- showing patience and a gentle disposition; submissive
• Submit- to surrender to another's authority
• Surrender- to give up or to yield possession or power

Are you seeing the epiphany that was taking place? I slowly began to develop my own definition for humility. "Showing patience with God's timing. Giving up any power or possession of myself that I think I have to God's authority. Recognizing that my worth and abilities are defined and come to me only through Him. Without Him, I am nothing and can do nothing."

Love these lyrics

I heard a new Superchick song today and I loved the lyrics a lot. Here's what they say:

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl
Well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through

O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears

When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You'll find me here





The best thing for me, I think, is knowing that no matter what I go through, He will see me through. I am never alone, even if it seems to be so. I bend, but I never break because He sees me through and He's always there. I put my purity ring back on last night and it's amazing what it does. When it sparkles up at me, it reminds me that I am not my own. I was bought with a price. When it catches my eye, it reminds me of the promises I have made to God, and it reminds me of who God is and what He can do. I'm never taking it off for more than five minutes EVER again. Haha.

Beatitude Blog! At long last!

YAY! I finally did it! I'm such a horrid procrastinator, I tell you. *sigh*

So... the first Beatitude says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven." And here are my questions:

• What does it mean to be poor in spirit?
• What does being poor in spirit look like in every day life?
• My study Bible says: "in contrast to the spiritually proud and self-sufficient", but what does that mean?
• What is Jesus promising when He says: "for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven"? Will they have a special place in heaven?

So not a very long list... but yeah. A good start. :)

Sorry it took me long, Kimmy! I've actually been having a rough time... again. But I looked at myself lately and realized how negative I am when I'm not in sync with God. I'm just not a good person... imagine that. I remember how much I used to look forward to reading my Bible every night and I haven't done it in so long... I want to be ME again and get past this stupid fog that's been plaguing me. Anyway... yeah. :)

3/26/2009: Surgery

It's been decided. I'll be having surgery on April 6, 2009. I am terrified, and I have to evaluate the reasons why. I told my dad tonight that the thought of facing my mortality again, of staring it down like I did two years ago... I just don't wish to do it again. He mentioned that my faith should keep me secure. No matter what happens, I will be safe and okay. I know that I need not have a fear of death anymore, but I'm nineteen for goodness sake. I'm just now starting to like my life and where it's headed, and it'd be a real shame if I went into that OR and never came out alive.

Well, maybe it wouldn't be a shame. I can't say what my reaction would be if I came face-to-face with the Most High, but I don't think it'd, "Aww... really? Why?" Haha. I definitely have a fear of facing all of those emotions over again, though. It was horrifyingly difficult last time they wheeled me into that OR to think about the hours, days, weeks, and months ahead. I was naive last time, this time I'm burned and scarred. Neither is very good, neither is the right frame of mind.

I feel this awful constraint because of time. I have the surgery on the sixth... okay, that's fine. That gives me plenty of time to get over the physical pain and, most likely, even drop a little more weight and become physically stronger by the time school starts in the Fall. However, I have the GED to think about, a driver's license, a job... how am I supposed to do all of these things in almost exactly five months? (Surgery on April 6th, school starts on September 8th). I've said and thought before that if worse comes to worst, I can defer my acceptance for a semester. I don't know why the thought of that makes me so sad. I mean, I WOULD be going, just not when I anticipated. Maybe it's because I fear that if I defer acceptance for one semester, I never WILL go. And that'd crush me, seriously.

I'm also pretty terrified of the physical pain. I remember what it was like last time. So many post-op patients will tell you that they don't really remember the pain. Well, I don't know about them, but I know that for me, that'd be a lie. I remember it quite vividly and it pretty much blew. I thought I was dying, felt like I had been stabbed... what have you. I'm so scared of going through all of that all over again.

And... if I'm being completely honest, I have this weird yet quite real fear that I'll lose it again. That somehow things will start to fall like they did last time and that I'll break down again, lose myself again, end up letting it all slip out of my fingers and be back at square one like I was last time. Sitting on a bed at Pine Rest in the wee hours of the morning thinking of nothing but what brought me there. It's crazy. My parents tell me that this is what all adults deal with. If that's the case, can I choose the option of being a kid forever? Buying my one-way ticket to Neverland?

There are probably about a billion other "fears" I could discuss, but I won't.

I guess I just don't know what to do...

3/25/2009: Frustration...

Someone once told me, "Frustration is a useless emotion." I think that's true. However, it doesn't stop me from feeling it. On Monday, I went to the GED Center in Battle Creek, did some placement testing and filled out some forms. They said there was more placement testing for me to do and that I needed to come back on Tuesday. Well, this morning my dad didn't feel like going, even though I had gotten up at 8:20 when I really didn't want to because I know I need to do this to go to college in the Fall.

We didn't go. My dad worked today and when he came home he told me about a place in Coldwater that does GED testing for free. I have searched for over an hour now and have found nothing. I've found the place he was talking about, but it's an alternative high school, not a GED testing center. Not only that, but I compared numbers and I've already called them before. I called them about two weeks ago around 2:30 pm. Not only was the lady rude, but she said they didn't get into the office until 5 pm. Huh?

I just get so angry because my dad has literally gone off on me three different times about how I'm not committed and I don't care about it because all I do is sit around on my dead lazy a**, (and yeah, he used those exact words). Yet when I try to show my commitment and forego precious hours of sleep, he's "too tired". What the heck?!?

I'm just so angry at him lately. Because we don't have health insurance, he's gone without his Prozac now for two weeks or so. He's so on edge ALL of the time, literally he can go off in the blink of an eye. It reminds me of when I was younger and I don't like it. I don't like it at all. He knows just what to say to make me feel so... worthless.

A positive note, though: I got a letter from my friend Debby today. She's a lady who attends our church, probably early 50's or so... she wants to spend time with me the week of Spring Break, said she'd like to take me out to brunch and then show me "her corner of the world"; her house, her classroom, or maybe go shopping or sight-seeing... something. I love her and I can't WAIT to spend some time with her. She lives in Sturgis, of all places. We'll have to swing by Great Lakes while we're together.

That's my positive note for the day. That's how I know that God is watching and speaking over my life still. That note literally was a ray of sunshine into my entire week thus far.

:)

3/20/2009: Every day is a start to something beautiful...

I'm in a very musical mood right now. Music helps me reconnect sometimes... it helps focus my mind and reminds me of the beauty in this world that I love so much. The art around me everyday that I tend to forget about it.

There was a pretty big epiphany with me tonight. Well... two, actually. The first was about my outlook right now. I've always been a sarcastic person, that just kind of goes along with being me. But tonight I realized that sarcasm has turned into cynicism and pessimism, which effect me so negatively that they threaten to destroy everything God has been working to build in me. I'm allowed to have a dry sense of humor, but every morning that I wake up and look at the world through my cynical glasses, it's like slapping God in the face repeatedly. By refusing to view and focus more on the beauty He has created in this world and all of the other good things and by solely focusing on all of the bad, I rob myself of so many gifts that He tries to give me.

I'm beginning to realize how deeply scarred I am. More so than I even realized. I have never learned to trust anyone or anything, I haven't the slightest clue how to have self-control without obsession... but that's just it, isn't it? God promises to carry me through these life lessons. He promises that if I keep walking in faith with Him, I will see my dreams recognized.

For the first time in a very, very long time, I am beginning to see the beauty that God sees when He looks at me. When I look in the mirror nowadays, my first thought isn't "Eww". That thrills me. Don't get me wrong, I will always know that I am completely undeserving of this thing called grace, but at the same time... He made me. He took time to make every cell, every fiber of my being... he crafted my mind and the way it works, my laugh and the way it kind of cackles when I find something really, truly funny. He made my love for music and conversation.... He's just amazing.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

The best part is that I can tell you every way that I am starting to see those fruits in my life. I could go into big, long descriptions of each and give you real life scenarios. Some more than others. Sometimes it seems that I have an overabundance of love and peace. Sometimes I feel lacking in patience and self-control. It doesn't change the fact, though, that I can see each and every one manifesting itself.

Tomorrow I'm going to be writing a post about self-control because it's the one of them that's been kind of weighing on my heart lately. But, for now, as it's 3:37 am... I'm off to bed.

3/18/2009: Dare You to Move

I'm getting sick of sitting here and waiting. It's not impatience that's talking in this; it's frustration with my seeming inability to just step in faith. I get so angry with myself because for some reason I guess I believe that if I sit back and don't do anything -and therefore don't screw anything up- everything will work out perfectly. If you don't MOVE, nothing will ever happen!

I feel stuck. I have no idea how to move. The worst part is that people get so impatient and frustrated with being still that they begin to not care in which direction they move. I care. I have to care. I don't want to move away from God. But I feel as though I've been rendered useless and I don't know why that is...?

The last fast that I tried fell flat on its face due to my blatant disobedience and desire for food. I've been getting a word from God that I need to try again. I'm being stubborn and I don't like that about myself, but all I can think of or focus on is food. It's almost as if I need to lock myself in my room for three days, have someone bring my protein shakes to me and not come down until I'm focused on God as I should be. *sigh*

And here comes the loneliness again. I hear certain melodies that match -to a tee- the mourning song my heart is singing for true companionship. For love. I will not do anything out of desperation, but I wish now to share myself with someone... no one seems to want to be shared with. No one seems interested. I pour my heart out to computer screens and journal pages. I pray, I beg... I plead. I want my life to matter. I want to love and be loved. I want my life to be more than beautiful. I want it to be brilliant and fantastical and passionate and lovely... I want to be able to describe my life with little-used adjectives.

I want meaning. I want purpose. I want drive. I want, I want, I want.

My heart feels as though it's ripping into pieces right now. I have no idea how to stop this aching... this longing. I'm angry and frustrated and awed and pathetic and spirited and determined and hopeless and every emotion that ever existed right now. And once again, I am overwhelmed.

How does this happen and... remind me why again?

3/17/2009: Quesstions...

I'm trying my best to think about the things that I can keep locked inside myself most of the time, the things I think about before I drift off to sleep late at night.

The first thing that pops up is loneliness. There are days -even weeks- when it doesn't bother me to be alone. I've always been a person who enjoys a lot of alone time and down time, because I can think and process. I like to be able to do what I want, keep my own self on task, crank music up as loud as I want... that kind of thing. But then there'll be these days that always follow one right after the other where I want people to want to be around me. I get so lonely that it basically stings my heart and I feel like crying all the time. I want someone to talk to, someone to relate to... someone to care. I know that my family cares, but they're always so busy. I'm the one that's at home all day taking care of the dog, doing dishes and laundry and making dinner... I do a mom's job because my mom has to work. I don't know how to deal with it because there's really nothing I can do to change it.

The second thing that pops up is eating and food. I'm discovering more and more everyday why people acknowledge it as a serious addiction. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I go for is food. I don't eat breakfast... I just eat. And then I keep eating all day long. It's like once I start eating, if I don't have something in my mouth it just doesn't feel right. People have told me to use toothpicks or gum but for some reason, it's just not the same. People have also told me that I need to get myself into therapy, and I totally agree... but health insurance really helps with that issue.

The third, (and last for this post), is my trust issues. I realized yesterday that as much as I SAY I trust other people and God, I definitely don't. I tell other people I trust them... I don't. I tell myself and God that I trust Him... I don't. The worst part is that I don't know what trust looks like. I didn't even trust my parents as a little girl, and that's saying something. It's hard for me to trust, because I don't know what it is or what it involves. I don't know how to do it, don't know what it looks like on a day to day basis...

I'm pretty negative and I lose hope and heart really easily. In short, I'm fickle. And that was something I realized yesterday, too. At the first sign of trouble, I throw my hands up and go, "God, it's screwing up again! I'm done!" I bail. I give up. Because I like things to be orderly, sequential, and on time. Pretty much, I like things done in my way on my schedule. I don't know how to let it go. But last night I told God I was going to. How do you let go and still keep taking steps forward? What does taking a step of faith look like?

I guess I'm more filled with questions than I realized...

3/16/2009: I did it again...

No GED Orientation today. I dropped the ball. It's hard to find balance between completely kicking the crap out of myself like I used to for screwing up, and graciously accepting it when you really have done so. When I was on the phone with the woman on Friday, I forgot to ask what time orientation was today. I tried to call all morning... must've pushed that re-dial button a billion times and I never got an answer.

My dad made an excellent point. So many times, we like to stack our blocks one on top of the other. In a nice, neat little tower. The problem being that when God wants to rearrange something, he pulls a block out and our little tower can come crashing down. You have to plan things, yes, you can't just fly by the seat of your trousers because you're "trusting in God". But I've got to learn that events aren't always sequential; they don't always go from A to Z. Sometimes, God puts C in front of A and H in front F...

I still believe I'm meant to go to U of M this Fall. Today, a lady from the church dropped by and gave my dad $700 randomly. I mean... hello! I just believe that I get everything on this neat little schedule... and God's trying to show me how to let HIM work things out. I cannot be strong on my own... He is my strength. I cannot make the big plans, I have to follow blindly.

I am learning that it's easy to "trust" God when everything is going really, really good. Or when it's possible to just glaze over life like it doesn't matter. True faith, though, is following God even when you feel blind and stupid and lost. I have to step...

'Cause I'm about to let go,
And hope that You'll catch me,
I can't do a thing now,
But live what I believe.

He knows what He's doing. Even though time doesn't matter to Him, He knows the time frame that I'm working on. I have to stop wanting everything "now" and... just trust. I wish it were a simple thing. Alas, I am discovering different. However, I find hope in my knowledge that while it's not simple, it's worth it. Is it worth it.

3/16/2009: Life, Death, Good, Evil... and God.

This week has been difficult. Not because it's been overwhelmingly horrible or because it's been overwhelmingly amazing. Instead, it's been overwhelmingly... both. I've always recognized one of God's affirmations to be financial provision. That's usually a very large green light to me that this plan is good and right because my family rarely has the finances to provide for anything. I'm not complaining, I'm stating a fact. So when something happens and finances start turning up from unexpected sources or there seems to be a better management of our general family funds so that something can be provided, I see God speaking through that.

At this time last week, I still believed I'd be going to Rockford. I have, as of yet, to stop being amazed by how clear hindsight always is. My parents seem disillusioned with it. When anything happens, they always know that they'll look back on it with so much more clarity, reasoning, and understanding. I'm still learning that. Nothing much remarkable happened on Monday. On Tuesday, I began to realize that the financial provision for my trip to Rockford just wasn't there. I had fifty-some dollars and I needed money for about five meals, gas for there and back four times, a $45 registration fee... I've gone into all of this before. I had seen this coming for two or three days, I just didn't want to recognize it because that meant I really HADN'T found what God had for me, and that made me angry.

I get angry much too easily. I get impatient and I think that I've got it all figured out and that I know how it's all going to go down. I like to make myself believe that I've got God all figured out. Needless to say, as the Rockford trip began to fall to pieces, I began to get anxious. I do that a lot, too. I beg God. I was begging for Him to just reveal SOMETHING to me, to throw me a bone. I've felt so lost lately, as though I'm useless. I told my sister I feel as if my day consists of computer, TV, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom. I clean, I cook, I watch TV, I go online, I read, I shower, I go to the bathroom, I do devotions and/or read the Bible, and I go to sleep. There's nothing remarkable about it. I told her also that I felt as though I was sitting there waiting for the spark that would catch my life on fire... some kind of jump start that I believed wasn't coming.

I always eat my hat with God, it seems. I told her that spark wasn't coming. BAH! When I saw that email, I almost lost it. I can't describe the shock waves that began rippling through my body. I stared blankly at the screen for... oh, probably five minutes or so. It was like there was a traffic jam on the highway of my brain. It was unbelievable... literally, I didn't believe it. The idea even went through my head that it was some kind of cruel joke like a Senior prank played by the kids at UM-Flint.

I have a hard time realizing how much God actually cares about my dreams. He wants to see me happy, but in HIS way, not mine. Everytime I think of myself being happy, I think of being happy in my own way. I don't like to remember that my definition of happiness is a very different thing from His definition. So, of course, I started to question. This was my dream on a silver platter, basically, but I haven't paid the enrollment deposit yet which means I'm NOT committed. I told God that if this wasn't what He had for me then it was going to be a really hard blow, but He needed to make it evident... like, transparent, that this just wasn't it.

The first way that it wouldn't have been His plan for me was the obvious one. When I applied back in November, I was still in high school. Since then, I had to make the horrendous decision to release that dream from my grip and realize that graduation and everything that goes with it was not what God had for me. There's a certain social stigma that goes with the phrase: "GED", but God created me to be a survivor and a conqueror, and I felt confident and strong when I made that decision that He would see me through the stereotypes and make something of my life. Anyway, the obvious thing that I had to do was to call the Admissions Office and inform them of my situation and ask them if my admissions decision still stood. This is what the lady in the office told me, "You're good. All admissions decisions do still hinge on the receipt of second semester high school grades or the equivalency transcripts. So just take that GED test ASAP and get the transcripts to us ASAP!"

I couldn't believe it. A college -and not a community one, at that- was going to take me with a GED? No wayyyyy... that's exactly what I thought. I somehow see now how God could actually smirk. We doubt Him so much and then when we see His power and we're just so overwhelmed by it.... I bet you He smirks! Haha.

The next thing, of course, was my big green light; my very favorite affirmation. Money! I worry about it constantly. I actually wrote a journal entry/prayer that was begging God (again), to provide financially for this situation if it was what He had for me. I realllyyyyy learned a lesson about trust and believing that God can -and will- come through for us if it's His will in our lives. I had to make a billion phone calls, but I discovered that Battle Creek Public Schools does GED Testing for $125 or $25/test versus Sturgis at $200 and Three Rivers at $250, so I decided to go with Battle Creek... duh. Anyway, there's also a $50 enrollment deposit to consider and a $50 housing deposit to think of. I was trying to think of a way that my family was going to come up with $225.. after days of agonizing, I finally told God, "You know what? If this is what You have for me... show me ways to make it work and I know You'll make it work. You always do."

The next day I got a message from my Grandma on Facebook saying: "Ashlee, your papa and I will pay for GED testing. Just tell us how much and when. Love you, Gramma D."

So I cried. I had to. ;)

But there was bad this week, as well. Times that tested my will in ways I haven't seen before. I came so close to smoking but I'm proud to say that God grabbed me by the armpits and pulled me back. He wasn't going to let me quit that soon!

We had to put our dog, Cujo, down this week. My beloved little man, as I called him. Or little sir, or just sir... Cudie, Cujowski, baby boy... he had a LOT of nicknames. I'm grieving more over him than I did over some humans who've died in the past year, and I find that weird. He was my lovey-boy, though. I miss him so, so much. It's hard for me not to believe that animals won't be in Heaven, but this week I could see why, even with how much I wanted to believe the opposite. My little man didn't even know what was coming and barked 'til his dying day. Now, when I hear an Amish buggie or see someone ride by on a bicycle and I don't hear barking, I get pretty somber. I just miss his presence...

Also, I discovered that a wonderful man who I came to be good friends with while I was living in Ohio has an incurable, terminal form of cancer. It's everywhere... lungs, liver, kidney, I think. He and his wife are two of the most wonderful and sweet people ever. Paul and Karen both seem like people I would want to be my grandparents. They've only been married five years, but their marriage was one of the most firmly based on Christ's I've ever had the privilege to witness. I think the oddest part to me is that Paul is the definition of a "good ol' boy from Ohio". Played high school football, has been a Christian his entire life and somehow managed to keep his faith renewed and strong... he's never had a drop of alcohol, a puff off of a cigarette, or any kind of drug. And he has lung cancer. How weird.

Sometimes -most of the time- I don't understand God. What's funny to me, though, is realizing why certain things happened this week. I do believe I got accepted to U of M so that, even in these REALLYYYY trying times with Paul and the puppy and our money situation and everything else, God could still be showing me the power of His grace and redemption and just the awesomeness of the things He has for my life that I could have NEVER imagined.

I have GED Orientation Day tomorrow. There are two testing slots left in March, even though I can't remember the exact days. I'll be taking two tests on each of those days, so four out of the five. The last test I'll be taking on April 2nd. I'm having surgery on April 6th because I finally called and got it rescheduled. I'm nervous as heck, but I KNOW God's gonna see me through it. I have most of the Spring and then Summer time to convalesce, get a job, spend some time with the family, get a few things in order, get my driver's license... and orientation is on August 19th from 11 am to 7:30 pm. I don't know when I'll be moving up there, but I've got PLENTY of time to figure that out. Right now, I'm taking it one hour at a time. Otherwise, I'll go crazy.

If I had to name this season of my life, I would definitely name it "Spring". Death has happened, but things are being reborn. I am being reborn. And everything looks green and pastel and bright and beautiful and filled with sunshine... I fully expect to walk through the dark again in my lifetime. But for right now, I'm basking in this beauty... in HIS beauty. It's the best kind. ;)

Everything that's new has bravely surfaced,
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green,
So it is with You and how You make me new
With every season's change,
And so it will be as You are recreating me
Summer... Autumn... Winter...
Spring.

3/12/2009: I'm Going to College...

Firstly... my family didn't have the money to send me to Experience. I had $75 left from the $100 that I was blessed with, and I had to loan it to my parents just so they could get some food items and put gas in the cars for the rest of the week. My dad gets paid on Saturday, but obviously, that wasn't soon enough to go to Rockford. God's way of saying it wasn't His plan?

Also, the exact same day that we decided, (well I did, my parents left it up to me), that we couldn't make it to Rockford, I got an email. It said it was from UM-Flint, Admissions and the title said: YOU HAVE BEEN ADMITTED.

Just like that... in all caps. The email read thusly:

Ashlee~

You’ve been admitted…Congratulations!! You have been admitted as a Resident of Michigan .

You can log onto your account using your social security number and 6 digit birthdate (MMDDYY). If you change your password, please make note of it. Your official admittance information is on its way via U. S. Mail. We are currently assigning you your UMID and email address. You will need this information to access Orientation information.

Information regarding Orientation can be found at the following website: http://www.umflint.edu/advising/orientation.htm Upon receipt of your official admissions packet, you can access your orientation information using the ID and email address indicated on the colored form.

UM-Flint’s Financial Aid code is 002327. Be sure to use this code when submitting your FAFSA.

Please contact our admissions team with any questions at (810) 762-3300 or by email at admissions@umflint.edu.

Welcome to the University of Michigan Family! GO BLUE!!

I think I sat there staring at the computer for ten minutes. Then I do believe I screamed my sister's name. I started crying and laughing simultaneously. I had to call the Admissions Office and ask them if my decision still stood due to the fact that I had to get my GED and they said yes, it did.

It's like God held out a silver platter and said, "Here's your dream. See what happens when you give it over to Me and tell me you're gonna trust Me?"

YAY!!!!!!!!!!

3/10/2009: Self-Sabotage...

Confession time, I think...

I botched the liquid diet today. I stuck to the rules of Bariatric nutrition. No simple carbs, no soda, and I didn't drink with my meals. However, I was supposed to be doing the three day liquid diet because I felt as though God wanted me to fast and really focus on Him. Then, for dinner, I made tacos for the fam and the smell of the hamburger was killing me. So I snuck a bite. And it was all downhill from there.

I told the ladies on my Bariatric message board that I messed up, but that doesn't mean I have to slide back in to what I was doing or into beating myself up. It took me a few days with smoking, and I have to face that it may take me even a little longer with this. I'm GOING to mess up... everyone does. But the good news is that I still had three protein shakes today, over 96 grams of protein and ALL of my vitamins. YAY!

So tomorrow we work on doing even BETTER than today!

PS... We got our new puppy, Shiloh, today. He's a Border Collie. Absolutely adorable. I'm going to miss Cujo with everything in me, but I know God can see me through my grief. It'll be nice to get away for a little bit, though. Then I can come home and start bonding with my new baby!

3/9/2009: Fasting and Preparation...

I want my heart to be clean. Obviously, I can't use a Swiffer. Which kind of bites because I LOVE using those things. Seriously, everytime my mom cleans I ask to mop just so I can use the Swiffer.

ANYWAY. Ahem. Sorry about that. I need to kind of clean out my heart and my mind of the stress, worry, distrust, and all the other general sin that's been building up lately. Especially since I want to be really in tune this weekend when I go to Illinois. Which is actually only three or four days away, (depending on whether or not you count Thursday when I'll be there... I don't, so it's three).

Also, God has been convicting me especially hard now that I've quit smoking that it's time to stop dwelling on wanting a cigarette and get to work on the next task He has for me. Which is, to say, my bondage to food. I've been fighting Him even harder on this one than the smoking because I know it's going to be harder, and require more trust and time. To kick off this week, clean out my heart, set to work on my next foothill, and be in tune for this weekend, I've decided to fast for three days.

My Grandma, (mom's mom), fasts pretty hardcore... she doesn't eat. I, obviously, can't do that because of my surgery and my iron levels being so low. I could, of course, but I do think God wants me to use my brain. Instead, I'll be doing a liquid protein fast, drinking seven protein shakes during the day every two hours and spending a LOT of time in prayer and in the Word. It's been getting kind of monotonous lately, Bible study every night... I told you I get bored easily. So instead, I figured I'd press into God pretty hardcore for the next three days and see what He gives me.

So seven shakes plus vitamins tomorrow. No TV, no Facebook, No Z-Board... I might post here, I don't know. Only Christian music. I'm just going to focus. Because now I know that if I want to be in right standing with God badly enough, there isn't anything I won't do.

Bring it on!!

3/7/2009: Trying to trust...

Yesterday I was praising Jehovah Jireh for the work he had done on my day. Today, I find it hard to trust that same aspect of God. Why is it that one day we can totally be awed and humbled by God's amazingness and the next day we can be so doubtful and cynical?

I was talking to Danielle today about RMC and asked her if I could hold down a job while I was there. She said no, they really don't have time to have jobs and obviously they don't get paid. This worried me a little... well, a LOT actually. Because of my surgery and especially since I'll be having surgery again, I have special dietary requirements. I started to worry, started to stress. I started to think, "Great. One more thing that I can add to my list."

I had a mini-meltdown, which I'm not proud of. I got $100 yesterday and I had to spend $25 of it right off the bat to get my sister and I lunch and dinner. It wasn't justified and I'm going to have to apologize to my mom as well as Danielle. My sister's boyfriend was actually really comforting. He was great to me today. I was out in the kitchen making popcorn, and the song "My God's Enough" by Barlow Girl popped into my head.

My God's enough for me,
This world has nothing I need.

And then the name Jehovah Jireh popped into my head and God showed up and said, "Why are you finding it so hard to trust me, Ashlee. Don't you believe that if this is where I want you, all will be taken care of?"

Of course I know that! Trust is still so hard for me. If I could paint a picture of God and I, He'd have His arm around my waist, gently trying to coax me forward and I'd have my hand in my mouth going, "Umm... are you sure?... I don't think..."

I realized today that besides coming home a year ago, this will have to be one of the biggest leaps of faith that I've ever taken. And that scares me, not gonna lie.

But I'm going to stop whining now and just trust. :)

'Cause I'm about to let go,
And live what I believe.
I can't do a thing now,
But hope that You'll catch me.

3/6/2009: Blessings and Struggle...

Today was good and bad.

There's a lady from my congregation, Cathy, I absolutely love her. She's an example of selflessness and obedience. That Bible passage that talks about not allowing your "right hand to know what the left is doing" reminds me of her. :)

Today, she called me to tell me about a sale at a health foods store. They're going out of business and she said they had cans of protein there for ten or fifteen dollars. I thanked her, but in the back of my mind I was thinking, "Too bad my family doesn't have ten or fifteen dollars to spend." It was okay, I didn't really think about it much, if anything I thought I might be able to convince dad to at least go and take a look.

About fifteen minutes after she called, she showed up at the door. We talked for a little while about me quitting smoking, the prayer vigil and some other things. Then, out of the blue, she slips two fifty dollar bills into my hand and says, "This is for you to get protein."

I was awed. I was baffled. I cried. I hugged the living bejeezies out of her. Ha. It was kind of a wakeup call to me, God spoke through her actions. The fact of the matter is that I HAVE three cans of protein, but I haven't been drinking it. I haven't been taking vitamins. You know the whole deal. ;)

I believe it was God's way of saying, "Hey. Get your butt in gear, please. Don't sit around waiting for success to come to you. Get out there, rely on Me, and make it happen."

The bad part of today was that I freaked out old-school style. God caught my attention and ended it before it got too big, but it was scary. A bowl of ice cream dropped on the floor and I just started freaking. I thought I was going to have a panic attack.

I think it was because I had to write my testimony for RMC today and it was like taking a trip back through the darkness. I didn't like it one bit, all of the things I had to remember... I'm gonna have to get past that but for some reason, it was hard today.

So yeah, good and bad. Tomorrow, I do believe I'll be home 'til three. I'll probably be home even later than that, but because my dad is the most HORRIBLE planner on EARTH, I don't know what time he's working until, what time he'll be home, or what time we'll actually LEAVE for GNC. It makes me mad. Ha.

I am not ashamed (Part Two)

I'm glad you're liking it, Kim. I was loving it!

I spent an hour and a half kind of staggered over there by myself before my parents came home and my dad spent an hour over there by himself. When I came back for the next two hours I had signed up for, my parents spent the first 45 minutes-ish with me.

We started our devotional which is called "Burn This Book" or something like that. It was good. I had to confess two things to my parents:

Firstly, I have never done illegal drugs. I've huffed household chemicals and abused prescription drugs and I've stood by while a friend smoked marijuana, but I myself have never done any illegal drugs. I told them that I thought for the longest time that the only way to really get across how much pain I was in was to tell people I had done drugs. People, for the most part, understand drug and alcohol addictions a lot better than they understand addictions to food, an eating disorder, and self-injury. It started with one little time and it escalated.

Secondly, I kind of cried out to God last night in my parents presence concerning my bondage to food. I told them I was still so tied down by it, I hated not being free. Especially after I had done such a radical thing as to have surgery and I was still shackled by it. Last night was a breaking point. In tears, I told my parents that I felt utterly lost. I had no idea where to even begin to break this. My dad, as much as I disagree with him sometimes, pulled a little pearl of wisdom out. He said, "Ashlee... you DO know what the first step is. Call Dr. Laker and reschedule your surgery. We can take it from there." I told them that I needed them to understand that after this surgery: No more soda. No more sugar. No more simple carbs. No more processed junk. Protein shakes. Vitamins. Daily exercise. Keeping up with a Primary Care Doctor, Psychologist, and Dr. Laker. Those are the simple rules, and I begged them to understand me and support me. I think I finally got through to them last night.

And, even if I didn't, I know God is the strength that I require to stand on my convictions. To be in the best health that I can be, those are the requirements. To be the best steward I can be of this body that God has blessed me with. It's now been over 48 hours since I had a cigarette and while I've been thinking about it, I know I am done and over with that bondage. It's gone and I've been set free. So now I move on.

I called the clinical coordinator of Dr. Laker's office today and left a message. We'll see.

So last night, I was sitting in the pew, looking at the screen I had put up with two Bible verses. One was the "patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" one, and the other was 'in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God". I love that one. Talks about God's peace. There was a song playing called "You Said" by Darlene Zschech.

You said
Ask and you will receive whatever you need,
You said
Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here the Kingdom is near you said,

Ask and I'll give the nations to you,
Oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light as it rises on us.

Love it! I love that thing that happens when you know God is totally in you and through you, calming your spirit and speaking to your soul. I had been troubled all day about RMC and the issues that come with it. All of the things I'll have to do and acquire and complete. I was getting too stressed. In the quiet, I got two things:

Wait on me.

Rely on me.

Neither are my favorite thing to do, but I will do them. I was still supposed to fill out the application, though, so I did. But I'm waiting for his affirmation either way and relying on Him to work it all out. And He will.

The "Who I Am in Christ" list from Victory Over the Darkness is pretty darn cool. All of these Biblical passages that give us our identity and I knew of some of them but, surprisingly, not all of them.

So all last night did was refresh my passion and give me even more hope for the future. I'm wearing a "makeshift" purity ring until I get mine for Christmas. This one is a silver band with some Cubic Zirconia that belongs to my sister, but she gave it to me for awhile. I love it, and it's been reminding me all day long of who I belong to. ;)

Summary: Last night=Awesome, Amazing. :)

3/5/2009: Boldness in Christ (I am NOT ashamed!)

Last night was completely amazing. God was there, He was hearing me and He was standing right alongside me as I spoke over that church. How freaking awesome is that?

I started walking through the church... started in my dad's office. For some reason, I felt this horrible feeling... this urgency to expel some kind of, well... something not good. It sounds really weird as I type it. It's odd that God would use me to do something so warfar-ish because I'm not really a "speak againt the darkness" kind of girl. I get too scared of that kind of stuff, of the enemy and his lackies. Not last night.

I was walking through the church ordering (out loud, may I add) any demon or presence that was hindering our growth as a church or our reception of Christ's awesomeness out of His church in His name. It was flipping cool. ;)

I read chapter two of Victory Over the Darkness and spent a LOT of time in the Word last night. There's more, and I'll post it later. I've gotta get going. :)

3/4/2009: When We Pray...

For the tired and the weary,
Lost and confused
Hopeless and needy with nothing to lose,
For those who are falling or have already fallen away,

Cause our hearts are exploding
With compassion and love
For a world that is dying to be lifted up

Oh we pray,
Humbly we seek Your face
Broken yet unafraid to meet you here
We'll leave it all in your hands,
Know that You hear us when we pray.

Tonight is the prayer vigil at my church that we've been planning for some time now. I have two or three hours all by myself to go through the church and lay myself right at the feet of the King. I'm thrilled. I KNOW that He hears me when I pray and I trust him completely and wholeheartedly to answer me. I'm going into tonight with an attitude of expecting to meet my God and to see Him and His awesome power. I completely and fully expect to be brought to my knees and laid flat on my face before the Most High. I'm so flipping excited!!!

I can't rid myself of my feelings of excitement or passion, nor would I want to. I never want to seem monotonous in my walk, nor do I want to lose my passionate reasoning for believing what I believe. I never want to forget where I was and where I am now... I never want to stop giving God every single ounce of glory and praise for bringing me through the darkness and into this amazing life of mercy, grace, compassion, peace, love... and overwhelming joy and passion.

I'm preparing my heart for what I'm sure is going to be an amazing night. I'm getting to ready to have a prolonged meeting with my Savior. SO EXCITED!!!

3/3/2009: Walking Down the Road...

I have a billion songs running through my head simultaneously.

Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope, I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles, He will be strong, He will be strong.

So I will dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms. Cause I know something the prince never knew. I will dance with Cinderella, I don't wanna miss even one song. Cause all too soon, the clock will strike midnight. And she'll be gone.

I love you Lord, and I lift my voice. To worship You, all my soul rejoice. Take joy, my King, in what You hear. May it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.

You have shown my ever-wandering heart what love is. What on earth is more important than to have all of You? And I don't regret choosing You. And I'm not ashamed that it's You who holds my heart.

My heart is worshipping God right now. I may not be singing, I'm not even listening to music, but I am worshipping my King right now. He is amazing me every single day, and I find that I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and find out what He's got for me next. I am learning so much about this life and about love. God has shown me that I've been worrying too much over my friendship with Kyleigh. I need to release her to Him and just... let her go. I've held her too close for far too long. I need to let her go and let her grow up in her own time and allow God to work on her heart.

I have been praying for sometime now about a Discipleship Training. God is usually very quick to answer me when I pray, but I've been waiting for this one. I had gotten a little frustrated because He seems so near and ready to answer me on everything... but on this area, He seemed silent. I didn't know why. Saturday night, I had a conversation with my best friend from fourth to sixth grade, Danielle. She messaged me out of the blue on Facebook, with really no reason to. Well, I see NOW what the reason is, but hindsight is 20/20, no?

She texted me tonight and said, "You said something the other night on the phone about doing a DTS? Well RMC (Rockford Master's Commission), is having their Experience Weekend on the 12th through the 14th. Wanna come and check it out?"

I talked to her, she told me the details. I gave my parents the details and they gave their permission and their support. They also want, and I totally agree with this, for me to tell the church what's been going on and have them be in prayer. I can't imagine that I may have actually found what God wants for me to be doing. I know I could be getting the message wrong, but wouldn't it be cool if He's just revealed his plan for me to me? That'd be AWESOME!

There are some things I'd have to work out. I was already trying to quit smoking, so that's not an issue. I have a lady in the church supporting me and making me her cinnamon toothpicks that she made for her husband when he quit. I'd have to take my GED test, get a job, buy a car, even if it's a beater, have my surgery and get my health insurance back. All things I was planning on doing, anyway... just now I have a fire lit underneath me. :D

Would you mind being in prayer for this, Kim? I'm kinda overexcited, and I don't want to get too swept up in my emotions. I need the ability to remain objective to God's words and what He's speaking over my life.

Still... even if I don't end up going... cool experience, huh?!?

*happy Ashlee*

3/2/2009: Self-Injury Awareness Day...

I posted this on The Z and on Facebook. The one on Facebook had a little orange ribbon that said, "SURVIVOR" through it. :)

I still struggle with the idea of being an addict. I see all of these people whom I know and are on that show "Intervention", and I think to myself: I'm not an addict. I never was.If we deny our past, we'll never move forward into our future. I started scratching my arms and wrists when I was twelve. The first night that I did so was because my dad had called me fat and stupid. You can be mad at him if you'd like, but I'm not anymore. For far too long, I allowed other people to influence my perception of myself and my beauty. What I have realized in the past six years is that learning to love yourself takes time. In the end, I believe God spoke truth when He said that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made". Too often I allow myself to be convinced by my own mind that my addiction to self-injury was never "that bad". I bare scars, yes, but most of them are easily concealed, faint, and nowhere near the scars I have seen on some of my good friends. What I've had to learn is that we're unified in our addiction, but we're unique in our walk and our recovery. We can offer support and we can understand each other. We can be there when something goes wrong, pray when someone goes too far, rejoice when someone is freed... but the simple truth is that none of us can be the same. It just doesn't work that way.I was addicted to self-injury. For many weeks, months, and years I could barely get through a day without hurting myself. I carried tools in my purses and stashed them around my room and my house. I hurt myself in the bathroom stalls at school. If I went a few days without, I felt like I was losing my mind.I was a self-injurer. I could define myself by my addiction, but I have always known that I am more than the sum of my addictions because I have been saved by the most amazing person to ever walk the face of this planet.The best I could ever do on my own was to cut myself, to binge and purge, to drink and do drugs and shoplift. The best I could ever do on my own was to destroy myself. I now walk a new walk. Jesus is my hope. He is my strength. He is my everything. I was a self-injurer. Now, I am free.

3/1/2009: Being Humbled Before God...

I have a problem that I need to apologize for.

I have this tendency to think that people revolve around me. It's a horrid tendency, one that I hate. I can be so selfish sometimes that, in retrospect, it almost makes me sick. I never consider the fact that people have lives and problems and stress of their own. All I ever think about is myself.

Sometimes I feel as though I parade around, pretending to be empathetic and merciful and all of these other things when really, all I care about is myself and how far being nice and concerned and comforting can get me.

I'm sorry, Kim. I am so, so sorry. Yesterday I was expecting you to call. And when you didn't, I was mad at you. Like a horrible brat, I was mad. I apologize so much. I hope you can hear my heart when I say how sorry I am for assuming so many things. I have been humbled before God. I felt shame today for being so selfish. What I got from God was interesting. He said, "Yesterday, you allowed yourself to be carried away and wrapped up in your own emotions without giving a thought to other people. I hope you learn a lesson from this. That you are not the only one who has to deal with pain in everyday life." It made me want to cry. I felt like a little kid. Instead of allowing myself to wallow, though, I'm trying to make it right.

I DID allow my emotions to sweep me away yesterday and that was wrong. I was wrong. Kim, can you forgive me?

There is a point, I think where I have to stop relying on other people to act out my faith for me. I have to rely on God. And know that He is more than enough. He is everything. It's like the Lifehouse song says, "You're all I want, You're all I need. Everything, everything."

He doesn't GIVE me hope. He IS the hope!
He doesn't GIVE me strength. He IS the strength!
He is the faith, the love, the mercy, the compassion, the peace, the conviction, the authority. He's everything.

I have to stop seeing how far I can leap without Him and ask Him to put me in His arms and jump.

3/1/2009: Holy Hades! (I'm going to be negative in this post... you've been forewarned.)

So I just looked at the computer clock thing and realized that it's March. Really?!? Already?!?

Wow. I'm beginning to treat this blog better than my paper journal. My pretty pink hippie-ish journal is going to get jealous. Typing is easier, I think. The words flow faster and I don't get hand cramps... usually. I'll have carpal tunnel by the time I'm thirty, though. Maybe twenty-five.

Today was NOT a good day. I didn't do anything horribly self-destructive, in fact, I didn't even think about doing anything horribly self-destructive. Which, considering the circumstances, is a big deal. Everything that I wanted to happen today either didn't happen or didn't work out the way I planned. I'm not big on wrenches being thrown into my tire spokes... I don't like things to go awry, which they usually do because that's life, but I don't like being jilted. Anyway... I found out yesterday that my parents will be putting my dog down. He snapped at my eighteen-month-old nephew. We know there's something wrong with him besides the slight cataracts in his eyes and the arthritis in his hips... he's nine, he would be ten in August... I'm just really struggling with this. He's my puppy. He has seen me through some pretty dark nights, I've had him since I was nine. I've cried into his fur, snuggled with him on the couch, played with him in piles of leaves. I love him so much and it's hard to walk around him knowing that he's basically condemned and he trusts us so much. He trots about and barks out of the window like usual, thinking that life will continue this way when everyone else knows different.

I'll miss his skull-piercing bark at Amish buggies, cats, people, and shadows... it'll be too quiet when he's gone. I'll miss the way he lays between my feet while I sleep, his soft little body keeping me warm, acting as a furnace for my ever-cold body. I'll miss the way he trots through the house, prancing like deer. I'll miss the way he tucks his nose into his leg when he curls up to sleep on the couch, when he stretches and curls his paw over his nose. I'll miss his pointy Chihuahua ears that feel like felt. I'll miss everything about him. I hate this, and I can't believe how much of a struggle it is for me.

My dad and I DID end up going to Battle Creek today to the Family Christian Store, about three hours later than we were supposed to. When we got there they didn't have any rings in my size OR the book I was looking for, (Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy). I DID get a t-shirt that's brown with a pretty pink flower on it. In pink letters it says "b dfrnt" and "be a woman of noble character... ruth 3:11". I like it a lot... I'm wearing it right now, actually.

I'm trying to find something positive in this day about my t-shirt...? I feel like I push people away from me intentionally by exhibiting the most annoying qualities ever. I'm whiney, clingy, needy, over-enthusiastic...

Bad day. I said it was going to be a good day and it didn't turn out that way, so I'm making no promises for tomorrow. The only "friend" I have is controlling and to the point where I'm not sure I even care to make a pros and cons list for fear of seeing just how much the cons outweigh the pros.

I should've left it at "bad day".

2/27ish/2009: One More Round...

I'm obsessed with BarlowGirl. It's an issue. :)

Nah, just kidding. Of all of the music I could be "obsessed" with, (and by obsessed, I mean listening to CONSTANTLY), BarlowGirl is so, so, SO much better than other things I could be filling my mind with. I could take each one of their songs, (especially off of their third album "Million Voices"), and tell you why I love it and how it relates to my life.

Today, the song that's been sticking with me has been the song "One More Round". Here are the lyrics:

Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breath
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wonder why I stepped inside this ring
I may be knocked down and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you I may be knocked down but not for the count
So take me one more round I'll just keep fighting
One more round You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round I'm telling you now i'm not gonna lose it here
It's so hard to get up off the floor again
But I know that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I wont reach the end
I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
I may be knocked down but not for the count
So take me one more round I'll just keep fighting
One more round You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it
I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope believing
If God is for me who can bring me down?
So take me one more round I'll just keep fighting
One more round You're messing me up oh! but I'm still here
One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it here

Great song, isn't it? It gives me hope to keep on fighting. I fall, and I'm realizing now that I will continue to fall. I will never have a "perfect day" because I'm human. There will always be anger, frustration, stress... human-ness. I will slip. I CANNOT be perfect. But that's what I'm loving right now about God's grace. He's convicting me, yes, but on the road to wellness and wholeness there is no shortage of grace.

I smoked three cigarettes today. For awhile, I wanted to feel defeated, as though I had failed. But then I remembered something you wrote, Kim, about leaving weak spots in your armor. Places where the enemy can glance a blow if he so wishes. I didn't want to allow him to make me feel as though because I slipped that I have to fall back down to the starting point of this mountain that I'm climbing.

I'm still struggling with my want to be perfect. I'm not quite sure how to rid myself of this desire or if I'm capable of that? Is this desire natural?

I've been thinking a lot lately about my friendship with my "best friend", Kyleigh. It's not healthy, it never really has been. Lately, though, it's taken a turn for the worse. The situation is complicated, though. Last Spring, Kyleigh's boyfriend, Austin, was kicked out of his house by his mom. Not for anything he'd done wrong, necessarily. He's a good kid but his mom didn't want to "put her life on hold anymore". Anyway, since Austin lives with us, he and Kyleigh are always around. She is controlling, domineering, and sometimes, downright rude. She throws off any and all authority, responsibility... no one can point out anything that she does wrong. She even has my MOM afraid to exercise her God-given authority in her own house because of her wrath. I feel as though I need to distance myself from her. She won't listen if I try and point out any negatives in her or our relationship. My question is, how do I distance myself from her? Lately, she and Austin have been spending all of their time at her house, which I don't have a problem with, but I suspect that's because Kristine and baby Austin are here. Once they leave, I think that they'll both be back to spending all of their free time at my house. How do I distance myself from someone whose always around? Not only that, but I know my best friend. She's spiteful and catty... if I anger her, she'll drag Austin right through the mud of her anger. I don't want to do that to him.

Help?

2/26/2009: Falling...

I'm okay. I had a fantastic conversation with my Grandma via phone tonight. She's amazing. So wise and such a support to me.

I smoked again. Twice. I have to be completely honest because lying gets me no where. My first reaction was to beat myself up.

But then God spoke, as he so often does. "Ashlee, everyone falls. Please don't beat yourself up or allow the enemy to beat you up. I am here. My mercy and grace is sufficient to see you through this. Get back up and try again. Rely on me, and you won't fall so easily next time temptation presents itself."

SO. I get back up and I try again tomorrow, right? Or am I missing something?

In any case, I feel waaay more peaceful than I did this morning. :)

2/26/2009: A Resolution?

There is nothing easy about this thing called "faith".

If it were easier, I would have chosen it long ago.

Sure, it seemed easy to get God's peace and mercy and love. Those were overwhelming me, and they still are. He is still a gentle, guiding voice.

But now, conviction sets in. We always have God's goodness, the amazing gifts He's given us. But if we're not constantly desiring to draw closer to Him and submitting more of ourselves over to His plan, those feelings, those emotions... will get old. We'll move on because we're bored. I get bored so easily, but my God is anything but boring. I believe He desires to show me just how unpredictable and "un-boring" He is. But I have to be willing to draw closer.

This life does not come without sacrifice. In the end, I know that every sacrifice I make, (that I CHOOSE to make... there is no "force" with God), will be so that I can be a better servant, someone wholly commited to my Savior. I KNOW that.

It doesn't change the fact that I feel overwhelmed and scared. But I have to trust this. I just have to. Let it go, release my clenched fists and hand it all over to Him. So... that's what I'm going to do.

My last cigarette was about an hour ago. This is going to be one of the hardest things for me, coupled with breaking my bondage from food. I feel like I'm losing my focus, but I hear that gentle voice whispering, "Focus, Ashlee. Remember, you told Me you would trust Me. Trust Me. I will carry you through this."

So that's what's going to happen. I'm going to trust. Just trust. Simple as that.

I'm practically certain that I'll be attacked more, but just call me a bulldog. :) I'm not willing to give this up, and that enemy of mine will find that NOW I am not as easily fallen as before. He can shake and sway, but I refuse to tumble this time. I will hold on for all I'm worth, even if it costs me everything.

So there. :)

2/26/2009: Attacked...

So yeah. Last night I was attacked nice and good. I've been so very tired and drained now for about a month or so, almost exactly how long I've desired to grow in the Lord. I take that to mean something, even if I have been raised to shy away from a lot of the more Pentecostal views of Christianity. I expect people to get annoyed with me because I chalk my tiredness up to an "attack by the Devil", but that's honestly what I feel it is.

Last night was rough. I wanted to go wake my parents up and when I told them what happened, they said I should have. I've been doing Spiritual Shock Treatment by Ron Luce. It's challenging, to say the least. In the end, though, what's cool is that I know my faith is mine and that I'm NOT what he calls a "mental Christian". I've had a life changing encounter with the Most High, and I know now why I believe what I believe.

That scares the Enemy. I KNOW it does. So last night I felt like bawling, but I couldn't cry. I felt like I was going crazy again, like I was going to rip all of my hair out. I came home from the church last night and my dad said he didn't feel well. When I asked why, he told me he'd eaten SEVEN slices of pizza. SEVEN. I was shocked, disappointed, and angry. How am I supposed to break my bondage from food and be set free from this thing that controls my life when my dad is just as tied if not moreso?

I was laying in my bed last night. My journal entry last night was a plea to God. It was me begging, basically. I want to be free from food, from this tiredness that's crept over me, and from my addiction to smoking. I know plenty of healthy, mature Christians who smoke. Smoking in and of itself is not a sin, I refuse to believe that. But God has been telling me that it's when I begin to put cigarettes before Him, when I run to the cigarettes before I run to Him that's wrong. Also, it's not being a good steward of this gift of a body I was given. It doesn't allow me to reach my full potential in Him.

It horrifies me to quit smoking, of all things. I don't know why... maybe it's because it's been a constant in my life for over a year now? Something goes wrong, go outside and have a cigarette. I also have no idea where to even begin to break my bondage to food. What's tricky is that I need it to survive. With the current money situation my parents are in, they just don't have the funds to justify a lot of food items. Nor do they seem to want to hear me when I express my frustration.

I'm confused, I'm tired, I'm at a loss. I was pleading with God last night to take it all from me. And then, of course, a different voice came back to me. A voice I recognize because I heard it for so long, but a voice that most definitely does NOT belong to my Savior. It said, "Look at all of those things you have to 'give up'. You're not fun anymore, you don't do anything to have fun and everybody thinks you're self-righteous and judgmental. You know, with me, you can keep smoking. Drinking, watching any movie you want... people never get annoyed with you and they always understand you."

I wanted to scream. I HATE that voice. It is the voice of the Enemy, but inside my head, it's MY voice. And the worst part is that he was playing to my weaknesses, my fear of seeming judgmental and self-righteous, my fear of people getting annoyed with me and not understanding me. He was really playing up every single one of those fears. The worst part is that it was physical, too. I was so tired I felt like dissolving into my bed, but I couldn't get comfortable. When I lay on my back, I felt like something was sitting on my chest, I couldn't breathe in or out. When I turned on my side, I felt the most overwhelming nausea and I thought I'd have to run to the toilet to get sick. I tossed and turned for about an hour, cried some, and then finally fell asleep.

I woke this morning to the sound of my dad yelling at my sister's boyfriend. What a fantastic way to start the day, huh? Everyone thinks that because my dad's a pastor he's... well, I don't know what they think he is, but they definitely believe him to be someone he's not. The truth is that he AND my mom are so spiritually burnt out that even they can't understand me that well right now. My dad's strange because I know he sees the passion in my eyes and I know he longs to reclaim that passion, but I don't think he has the slightest clue of how to. My mom sees the love in my eyes, hears it when I speak, that I am deeply and passionately in love with this Savior and cannot and will not be shaken and she longs to reclaim that but, like my dad, doesn't have the slightest clue how to do so.

As for the rest of my family, my sister's not walking with God. She tells us she's not a Christian and I've never believed in Eternal Security, so I'm scared for her. She's screwed up, just like the rest of us, but she's so angry. She has so much blame, she points it at everyone. My sisters boyfriend? I could go into him, but it'd take years to explain all of his problems to you. The worst is his attitude. He's nineteen and he thinks he knows everything. My best friend, Kyleigh and her boyfriend, Austin who lives with us are interesting, as well. They claim to be Christians but I don't see any evidence of closeness to God in their lives. THAT'S why I get so drained, because I feel as though I have nothing to support me in my day-to-day. No one to look at me, in earnest, and say, "Ashlee, I love that you're in love with God. I'm here for you, let's walk together, okay?" This road is a lonely one, and above all else, I hate being lonely.

I just feel at a loss today, and the Enemy has me questioning whether or not this is really worth it. And that makes me want to cry because I'm trying so desperately to cling to this passion that I know I have within me. I feel like screaming, "HELP ME!"

What do I do?

2/25/2009: My new name!

Ta-dah! What's funny is that I got this very word as I was speaking with you yesterday on Facebook, Kimmy. Of course, I had to test it out a little bit. But, at the most random times during the day yesterday, it would pop back into my head. While I was doing dishes, while I was chasing after my nephew, while I was talking to my mom. So... who wants to know my new name???

It's not just one word, it's two! Drum roll please...

...

...

...

My new name is...

REDEMPTION SONG.

Oh yes, it fits. I cried when He first gave it to me. And does anyone wish to know the best part? He didn't just give me this name. Nope! Yesterday, as I was in the shower, words to a poem started to flow through my head. Now, I haven't written poetry in ages. I've just been too blocked or busy, never having time. I've had no inspiration or source. Well... the King of inspiration gracefully decided to allow me to put pen to paper last night and have a go at it. And here is the result:

You've been asleep for too many nights,
Darkness sets in, you stand to fight

Oh how I long to fight by your side,
If only you'd let me in, instead you run and hide,
I can see you're tired
I know you long to give in,
Convinced you'll never be victorious
Certain you'll never win.

I have called you to so much more,
If only you'd try and see,
Moving mountains, changing nations,
Nothing is out of your reach with Me.

Wake up now and breathe me in,
Absorb me, I flow through your veins
I see a light return to your eyes,
You know you'll never be the same.
I love to watch your face when I speak
The strength you gain day by day
I love seeing it on your face: you know I'll never go away.

You've been asleep for far too long;
Wake now, my precious child
And hear your redemption song.

This is AWESOME, can I just say?!? I knew that God was good and he could do some pretty amazing things because I've been watching Him do them lately, I had no idea that it'd be His desire for me to write again, even if it's just this last time. I KNOW that this poem was inspired by Him, given to me by Him.

I'm so EXCITED!!!

2/24/2009: Still walking...

Today has been interesting. My sister-in-law and her son, my nephew came to stay with us today. I wish the circumstances were better. Kris had to leave her fiance because he's physically abusive and this time, he left marks. She's afraid, she's nervous, he's in jail. It's hard for her to eat or be around her son because he reminds her of this creep.

It's hard for me. I've always had a thing for being hospitable, and I love to do that, but I don't know how to relate to her. I like to be empathetic, but I have no idea what she's going through right now. She's here until Saturday. You can tell that she wants to busy herself. She's been taking a break from work and school, (she's studying to be an RN), and she wants to go out, watch movies, read my Twilight books. Anything but think, I do believe.

It's funny, because in a lot of situations, God seems to give me the words and the spirit to comfort people pretty well. I love comforting people and helping them to see something beyond themselves and their current situation. For some reason, I have no idea what to say to Kris, how to make her feel better about this. Can I? Is that possible?

She's here until Saturday, and I'm going to do my best to try and make her as comfortable as possible. I find lately that a lot of the household duties have been falling to me. I make dinner, I clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes and pick up around the house and make people as comfortable as possible. It's draining... I have to have my quiet time before I go to bed. I've remained faithful to it, though, even if I DO pass out basically after I get finished. It's my belief that if I remain faithful, I won't be able to be shaken and God will stick with me.

'Til tomorrow! :)

2/24/2009: The Journey Begins...

This is my mentorship blog. I'm going to settle in, get comfy, and wait for God to work in the amazing ways I know he's going to!