3/1/2009: Holy Hades! (I'm going to be negative in this post... you've been forewarned.)

So I just looked at the computer clock thing and realized that it's March. Really?!? Already?!?

Wow. I'm beginning to treat this blog better than my paper journal. My pretty pink hippie-ish journal is going to get jealous. Typing is easier, I think. The words flow faster and I don't get hand cramps... usually. I'll have carpal tunnel by the time I'm thirty, though. Maybe twenty-five.

Today was NOT a good day. I didn't do anything horribly self-destructive, in fact, I didn't even think about doing anything horribly self-destructive. Which, considering the circumstances, is a big deal. Everything that I wanted to happen today either didn't happen or didn't work out the way I planned. I'm not big on wrenches being thrown into my tire spokes... I don't like things to go awry, which they usually do because that's life, but I don't like being jilted. Anyway... I found out yesterday that my parents will be putting my dog down. He snapped at my eighteen-month-old nephew. We know there's something wrong with him besides the slight cataracts in his eyes and the arthritis in his hips... he's nine, he would be ten in August... I'm just really struggling with this. He's my puppy. He has seen me through some pretty dark nights, I've had him since I was nine. I've cried into his fur, snuggled with him on the couch, played with him in piles of leaves. I love him so much and it's hard to walk around him knowing that he's basically condemned and he trusts us so much. He trots about and barks out of the window like usual, thinking that life will continue this way when everyone else knows different.

I'll miss his skull-piercing bark at Amish buggies, cats, people, and shadows... it'll be too quiet when he's gone. I'll miss the way he lays between my feet while I sleep, his soft little body keeping me warm, acting as a furnace for my ever-cold body. I'll miss the way he trots through the house, prancing like deer. I'll miss the way he tucks his nose into his leg when he curls up to sleep on the couch, when he stretches and curls his paw over his nose. I'll miss his pointy Chihuahua ears that feel like felt. I'll miss everything about him. I hate this, and I can't believe how much of a struggle it is for me.

My dad and I DID end up going to Battle Creek today to the Family Christian Store, about three hours later than we were supposed to. When we got there they didn't have any rings in my size OR the book I was looking for, (Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy). I DID get a t-shirt that's brown with a pretty pink flower on it. In pink letters it says "b dfrnt" and "be a woman of noble character... ruth 3:11". I like it a lot... I'm wearing it right now, actually.

I'm trying to find something positive in this day about my t-shirt...? I feel like I push people away from me intentionally by exhibiting the most annoying qualities ever. I'm whiney, clingy, needy, over-enthusiastic...

Bad day. I said it was going to be a good day and it didn't turn out that way, so I'm making no promises for tomorrow. The only "friend" I have is controlling and to the point where I'm not sure I even care to make a pros and cons list for fear of seeing just how much the cons outweigh the pros.

I should've left it at "bad day".

2/27ish/2009: One More Round...

I'm obsessed with BarlowGirl. It's an issue. :)

Nah, just kidding. Of all of the music I could be "obsessed" with, (and by obsessed, I mean listening to CONSTANTLY), BarlowGirl is so, so, SO much better than other things I could be filling my mind with. I could take each one of their songs, (especially off of their third album "Million Voices"), and tell you why I love it and how it relates to my life.

Today, the song that's been sticking with me has been the song "One More Round". Here are the lyrics:

Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breath
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wonder why I stepped inside this ring
I may be knocked down and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you I may be knocked down but not for the count
So take me one more round I'll just keep fighting
One more round You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round I'm telling you now i'm not gonna lose it here
It's so hard to get up off the floor again
But I know that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I wont reach the end
I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
I may be knocked down but not for the count
So take me one more round I'll just keep fighting
One more round You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it
I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope believing
If God is for me who can bring me down?
So take me one more round I'll just keep fighting
One more round You're messing me up oh! but I'm still here
One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it here

Great song, isn't it? It gives me hope to keep on fighting. I fall, and I'm realizing now that I will continue to fall. I will never have a "perfect day" because I'm human. There will always be anger, frustration, stress... human-ness. I will slip. I CANNOT be perfect. But that's what I'm loving right now about God's grace. He's convicting me, yes, but on the road to wellness and wholeness there is no shortage of grace.

I smoked three cigarettes today. For awhile, I wanted to feel defeated, as though I had failed. But then I remembered something you wrote, Kim, about leaving weak spots in your armor. Places where the enemy can glance a blow if he so wishes. I didn't want to allow him to make me feel as though because I slipped that I have to fall back down to the starting point of this mountain that I'm climbing.

I'm still struggling with my want to be perfect. I'm not quite sure how to rid myself of this desire or if I'm capable of that? Is this desire natural?

I've been thinking a lot lately about my friendship with my "best friend", Kyleigh. It's not healthy, it never really has been. Lately, though, it's taken a turn for the worse. The situation is complicated, though. Last Spring, Kyleigh's boyfriend, Austin, was kicked out of his house by his mom. Not for anything he'd done wrong, necessarily. He's a good kid but his mom didn't want to "put her life on hold anymore". Anyway, since Austin lives with us, he and Kyleigh are always around. She is controlling, domineering, and sometimes, downright rude. She throws off any and all authority, responsibility... no one can point out anything that she does wrong. She even has my MOM afraid to exercise her God-given authority in her own house because of her wrath. I feel as though I need to distance myself from her. She won't listen if I try and point out any negatives in her or our relationship. My question is, how do I distance myself from her? Lately, she and Austin have been spending all of their time at her house, which I don't have a problem with, but I suspect that's because Kristine and baby Austin are here. Once they leave, I think that they'll both be back to spending all of their free time at my house. How do I distance myself from someone whose always around? Not only that, but I know my best friend. She's spiteful and catty... if I anger her, she'll drag Austin right through the mud of her anger. I don't want to do that to him.

Help?

2/26/2009: Falling...

I'm okay. I had a fantastic conversation with my Grandma via phone tonight. She's amazing. So wise and such a support to me.

I smoked again. Twice. I have to be completely honest because lying gets me no where. My first reaction was to beat myself up.

But then God spoke, as he so often does. "Ashlee, everyone falls. Please don't beat yourself up or allow the enemy to beat you up. I am here. My mercy and grace is sufficient to see you through this. Get back up and try again. Rely on me, and you won't fall so easily next time temptation presents itself."

SO. I get back up and I try again tomorrow, right? Or am I missing something?

In any case, I feel waaay more peaceful than I did this morning. :)

2/26/2009: A Resolution?

There is nothing easy about this thing called "faith".

If it were easier, I would have chosen it long ago.

Sure, it seemed easy to get God's peace and mercy and love. Those were overwhelming me, and they still are. He is still a gentle, guiding voice.

But now, conviction sets in. We always have God's goodness, the amazing gifts He's given us. But if we're not constantly desiring to draw closer to Him and submitting more of ourselves over to His plan, those feelings, those emotions... will get old. We'll move on because we're bored. I get bored so easily, but my God is anything but boring. I believe He desires to show me just how unpredictable and "un-boring" He is. But I have to be willing to draw closer.

This life does not come without sacrifice. In the end, I know that every sacrifice I make, (that I CHOOSE to make... there is no "force" with God), will be so that I can be a better servant, someone wholly commited to my Savior. I KNOW that.

It doesn't change the fact that I feel overwhelmed and scared. But I have to trust this. I just have to. Let it go, release my clenched fists and hand it all over to Him. So... that's what I'm going to do.

My last cigarette was about an hour ago. This is going to be one of the hardest things for me, coupled with breaking my bondage from food. I feel like I'm losing my focus, but I hear that gentle voice whispering, "Focus, Ashlee. Remember, you told Me you would trust Me. Trust Me. I will carry you through this."

So that's what's going to happen. I'm going to trust. Just trust. Simple as that.

I'm practically certain that I'll be attacked more, but just call me a bulldog. :) I'm not willing to give this up, and that enemy of mine will find that NOW I am not as easily fallen as before. He can shake and sway, but I refuse to tumble this time. I will hold on for all I'm worth, even if it costs me everything.

So there. :)

2/26/2009: Attacked...

So yeah. Last night I was attacked nice and good. I've been so very tired and drained now for about a month or so, almost exactly how long I've desired to grow in the Lord. I take that to mean something, even if I have been raised to shy away from a lot of the more Pentecostal views of Christianity. I expect people to get annoyed with me because I chalk my tiredness up to an "attack by the Devil", but that's honestly what I feel it is.

Last night was rough. I wanted to go wake my parents up and when I told them what happened, they said I should have. I've been doing Spiritual Shock Treatment by Ron Luce. It's challenging, to say the least. In the end, though, what's cool is that I know my faith is mine and that I'm NOT what he calls a "mental Christian". I've had a life changing encounter with the Most High, and I know now why I believe what I believe.

That scares the Enemy. I KNOW it does. So last night I felt like bawling, but I couldn't cry. I felt like I was going crazy again, like I was going to rip all of my hair out. I came home from the church last night and my dad said he didn't feel well. When I asked why, he told me he'd eaten SEVEN slices of pizza. SEVEN. I was shocked, disappointed, and angry. How am I supposed to break my bondage from food and be set free from this thing that controls my life when my dad is just as tied if not moreso?

I was laying in my bed last night. My journal entry last night was a plea to God. It was me begging, basically. I want to be free from food, from this tiredness that's crept over me, and from my addiction to smoking. I know plenty of healthy, mature Christians who smoke. Smoking in and of itself is not a sin, I refuse to believe that. But God has been telling me that it's when I begin to put cigarettes before Him, when I run to the cigarettes before I run to Him that's wrong. Also, it's not being a good steward of this gift of a body I was given. It doesn't allow me to reach my full potential in Him.

It horrifies me to quit smoking, of all things. I don't know why... maybe it's because it's been a constant in my life for over a year now? Something goes wrong, go outside and have a cigarette. I also have no idea where to even begin to break my bondage to food. What's tricky is that I need it to survive. With the current money situation my parents are in, they just don't have the funds to justify a lot of food items. Nor do they seem to want to hear me when I express my frustration.

I'm confused, I'm tired, I'm at a loss. I was pleading with God last night to take it all from me. And then, of course, a different voice came back to me. A voice I recognize because I heard it for so long, but a voice that most definitely does NOT belong to my Savior. It said, "Look at all of those things you have to 'give up'. You're not fun anymore, you don't do anything to have fun and everybody thinks you're self-righteous and judgmental. You know, with me, you can keep smoking. Drinking, watching any movie you want... people never get annoyed with you and they always understand you."

I wanted to scream. I HATE that voice. It is the voice of the Enemy, but inside my head, it's MY voice. And the worst part is that he was playing to my weaknesses, my fear of seeming judgmental and self-righteous, my fear of people getting annoyed with me and not understanding me. He was really playing up every single one of those fears. The worst part is that it was physical, too. I was so tired I felt like dissolving into my bed, but I couldn't get comfortable. When I lay on my back, I felt like something was sitting on my chest, I couldn't breathe in or out. When I turned on my side, I felt the most overwhelming nausea and I thought I'd have to run to the toilet to get sick. I tossed and turned for about an hour, cried some, and then finally fell asleep.

I woke this morning to the sound of my dad yelling at my sister's boyfriend. What a fantastic way to start the day, huh? Everyone thinks that because my dad's a pastor he's... well, I don't know what they think he is, but they definitely believe him to be someone he's not. The truth is that he AND my mom are so spiritually burnt out that even they can't understand me that well right now. My dad's strange because I know he sees the passion in my eyes and I know he longs to reclaim that passion, but I don't think he has the slightest clue of how to. My mom sees the love in my eyes, hears it when I speak, that I am deeply and passionately in love with this Savior and cannot and will not be shaken and she longs to reclaim that but, like my dad, doesn't have the slightest clue how to do so.

As for the rest of my family, my sister's not walking with God. She tells us she's not a Christian and I've never believed in Eternal Security, so I'm scared for her. She's screwed up, just like the rest of us, but she's so angry. She has so much blame, she points it at everyone. My sisters boyfriend? I could go into him, but it'd take years to explain all of his problems to you. The worst is his attitude. He's nineteen and he thinks he knows everything. My best friend, Kyleigh and her boyfriend, Austin who lives with us are interesting, as well. They claim to be Christians but I don't see any evidence of closeness to God in their lives. THAT'S why I get so drained, because I feel as though I have nothing to support me in my day-to-day. No one to look at me, in earnest, and say, "Ashlee, I love that you're in love with God. I'm here for you, let's walk together, okay?" This road is a lonely one, and above all else, I hate being lonely.

I just feel at a loss today, and the Enemy has me questioning whether or not this is really worth it. And that makes me want to cry because I'm trying so desperately to cling to this passion that I know I have within me. I feel like screaming, "HELP ME!"

What do I do?

2/25/2009: My new name!

Ta-dah! What's funny is that I got this very word as I was speaking with you yesterday on Facebook, Kimmy. Of course, I had to test it out a little bit. But, at the most random times during the day yesterday, it would pop back into my head. While I was doing dishes, while I was chasing after my nephew, while I was talking to my mom. So... who wants to know my new name???

It's not just one word, it's two! Drum roll please...

...

...

...

My new name is...

REDEMPTION SONG.

Oh yes, it fits. I cried when He first gave it to me. And does anyone wish to know the best part? He didn't just give me this name. Nope! Yesterday, as I was in the shower, words to a poem started to flow through my head. Now, I haven't written poetry in ages. I've just been too blocked or busy, never having time. I've had no inspiration or source. Well... the King of inspiration gracefully decided to allow me to put pen to paper last night and have a go at it. And here is the result:

You've been asleep for too many nights,
Darkness sets in, you stand to fight

Oh how I long to fight by your side,
If only you'd let me in, instead you run and hide,
I can see you're tired
I know you long to give in,
Convinced you'll never be victorious
Certain you'll never win.

I have called you to so much more,
If only you'd try and see,
Moving mountains, changing nations,
Nothing is out of your reach with Me.

Wake up now and breathe me in,
Absorb me, I flow through your veins
I see a light return to your eyes,
You know you'll never be the same.
I love to watch your face when I speak
The strength you gain day by day
I love seeing it on your face: you know I'll never go away.

You've been asleep for far too long;
Wake now, my precious child
And hear your redemption song.

This is AWESOME, can I just say?!? I knew that God was good and he could do some pretty amazing things because I've been watching Him do them lately, I had no idea that it'd be His desire for me to write again, even if it's just this last time. I KNOW that this poem was inspired by Him, given to me by Him.

I'm so EXCITED!!!

2/24/2009: Still walking...

Today has been interesting. My sister-in-law and her son, my nephew came to stay with us today. I wish the circumstances were better. Kris had to leave her fiance because he's physically abusive and this time, he left marks. She's afraid, she's nervous, he's in jail. It's hard for her to eat or be around her son because he reminds her of this creep.

It's hard for me. I've always had a thing for being hospitable, and I love to do that, but I don't know how to relate to her. I like to be empathetic, but I have no idea what she's going through right now. She's here until Saturday. You can tell that she wants to busy herself. She's been taking a break from work and school, (she's studying to be an RN), and she wants to go out, watch movies, read my Twilight books. Anything but think, I do believe.

It's funny, because in a lot of situations, God seems to give me the words and the spirit to comfort people pretty well. I love comforting people and helping them to see something beyond themselves and their current situation. For some reason, I have no idea what to say to Kris, how to make her feel better about this. Can I? Is that possible?

She's here until Saturday, and I'm going to do my best to try and make her as comfortable as possible. I find lately that a lot of the household duties have been falling to me. I make dinner, I clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes and pick up around the house and make people as comfortable as possible. It's draining... I have to have my quiet time before I go to bed. I've remained faithful to it, though, even if I DO pass out basically after I get finished. It's my belief that if I remain faithful, I won't be able to be shaken and God will stick with me.

'Til tomorrow! :)

2/24/2009: The Journey Begins...

This is my mentorship blog. I'm going to settle in, get comfy, and wait for God to work in the amazing ways I know he's going to!