2/26/2009: Attacked...

So yeah. Last night I was attacked nice and good. I've been so very tired and drained now for about a month or so, almost exactly how long I've desired to grow in the Lord. I take that to mean something, even if I have been raised to shy away from a lot of the more Pentecostal views of Christianity. I expect people to get annoyed with me because I chalk my tiredness up to an "attack by the Devil", but that's honestly what I feel it is.

Last night was rough. I wanted to go wake my parents up and when I told them what happened, they said I should have. I've been doing Spiritual Shock Treatment by Ron Luce. It's challenging, to say the least. In the end, though, what's cool is that I know my faith is mine and that I'm NOT what he calls a "mental Christian". I've had a life changing encounter with the Most High, and I know now why I believe what I believe.

That scares the Enemy. I KNOW it does. So last night I felt like bawling, but I couldn't cry. I felt like I was going crazy again, like I was going to rip all of my hair out. I came home from the church last night and my dad said he didn't feel well. When I asked why, he told me he'd eaten SEVEN slices of pizza. SEVEN. I was shocked, disappointed, and angry. How am I supposed to break my bondage from food and be set free from this thing that controls my life when my dad is just as tied if not moreso?

I was laying in my bed last night. My journal entry last night was a plea to God. It was me begging, basically. I want to be free from food, from this tiredness that's crept over me, and from my addiction to smoking. I know plenty of healthy, mature Christians who smoke. Smoking in and of itself is not a sin, I refuse to believe that. But God has been telling me that it's when I begin to put cigarettes before Him, when I run to the cigarettes before I run to Him that's wrong. Also, it's not being a good steward of this gift of a body I was given. It doesn't allow me to reach my full potential in Him.

It horrifies me to quit smoking, of all things. I don't know why... maybe it's because it's been a constant in my life for over a year now? Something goes wrong, go outside and have a cigarette. I also have no idea where to even begin to break my bondage to food. What's tricky is that I need it to survive. With the current money situation my parents are in, they just don't have the funds to justify a lot of food items. Nor do they seem to want to hear me when I express my frustration.

I'm confused, I'm tired, I'm at a loss. I was pleading with God last night to take it all from me. And then, of course, a different voice came back to me. A voice I recognize because I heard it for so long, but a voice that most definitely does NOT belong to my Savior. It said, "Look at all of those things you have to 'give up'. You're not fun anymore, you don't do anything to have fun and everybody thinks you're self-righteous and judgmental. You know, with me, you can keep smoking. Drinking, watching any movie you want... people never get annoyed with you and they always understand you."

I wanted to scream. I HATE that voice. It is the voice of the Enemy, but inside my head, it's MY voice. And the worst part is that he was playing to my weaknesses, my fear of seeming judgmental and self-righteous, my fear of people getting annoyed with me and not understanding me. He was really playing up every single one of those fears. The worst part is that it was physical, too. I was so tired I felt like dissolving into my bed, but I couldn't get comfortable. When I lay on my back, I felt like something was sitting on my chest, I couldn't breathe in or out. When I turned on my side, I felt the most overwhelming nausea and I thought I'd have to run to the toilet to get sick. I tossed and turned for about an hour, cried some, and then finally fell asleep.

I woke this morning to the sound of my dad yelling at my sister's boyfriend. What a fantastic way to start the day, huh? Everyone thinks that because my dad's a pastor he's... well, I don't know what they think he is, but they definitely believe him to be someone he's not. The truth is that he AND my mom are so spiritually burnt out that even they can't understand me that well right now. My dad's strange because I know he sees the passion in my eyes and I know he longs to reclaim that passion, but I don't think he has the slightest clue of how to. My mom sees the love in my eyes, hears it when I speak, that I am deeply and passionately in love with this Savior and cannot and will not be shaken and she longs to reclaim that but, like my dad, doesn't have the slightest clue how to do so.

As for the rest of my family, my sister's not walking with God. She tells us she's not a Christian and I've never believed in Eternal Security, so I'm scared for her. She's screwed up, just like the rest of us, but she's so angry. She has so much blame, she points it at everyone. My sisters boyfriend? I could go into him, but it'd take years to explain all of his problems to you. The worst is his attitude. He's nineteen and he thinks he knows everything. My best friend, Kyleigh and her boyfriend, Austin who lives with us are interesting, as well. They claim to be Christians but I don't see any evidence of closeness to God in their lives. THAT'S why I get so drained, because I feel as though I have nothing to support me in my day-to-day. No one to look at me, in earnest, and say, "Ashlee, I love that you're in love with God. I'm here for you, let's walk together, okay?" This road is a lonely one, and above all else, I hate being lonely.

I just feel at a loss today, and the Enemy has me questioning whether or not this is really worth it. And that makes me want to cry because I'm trying so desperately to cling to this passion that I know I have within me. I feel like screaming, "HELP ME!"

What do I do?