2/26/2009: A Resolution?

There is nothing easy about this thing called "faith".

If it were easier, I would have chosen it long ago.

Sure, it seemed easy to get God's peace and mercy and love. Those were overwhelming me, and they still are. He is still a gentle, guiding voice.

But now, conviction sets in. We always have God's goodness, the amazing gifts He's given us. But if we're not constantly desiring to draw closer to Him and submitting more of ourselves over to His plan, those feelings, those emotions... will get old. We'll move on because we're bored. I get bored so easily, but my God is anything but boring. I believe He desires to show me just how unpredictable and "un-boring" He is. But I have to be willing to draw closer.

This life does not come without sacrifice. In the end, I know that every sacrifice I make, (that I CHOOSE to make... there is no "force" with God), will be so that I can be a better servant, someone wholly commited to my Savior. I KNOW that.

It doesn't change the fact that I feel overwhelmed and scared. But I have to trust this. I just have to. Let it go, release my clenched fists and hand it all over to Him. So... that's what I'm going to do.

My last cigarette was about an hour ago. This is going to be one of the hardest things for me, coupled with breaking my bondage from food. I feel like I'm losing my focus, but I hear that gentle voice whispering, "Focus, Ashlee. Remember, you told Me you would trust Me. Trust Me. I will carry you through this."

So that's what's going to happen. I'm going to trust. Just trust. Simple as that.

I'm practically certain that I'll be attacked more, but just call me a bulldog. :) I'm not willing to give this up, and that enemy of mine will find that NOW I am not as easily fallen as before. He can shake and sway, but I refuse to tumble this time. I will hold on for all I'm worth, even if it costs me everything.

So there. :)