3/1/2009: Holy Hades! (I'm going to be negative in this post... you've been forewarned.)

So I just looked at the computer clock thing and realized that it's March. Really?!? Already?!?

Wow. I'm beginning to treat this blog better than my paper journal. My pretty pink hippie-ish journal is going to get jealous. Typing is easier, I think. The words flow faster and I don't get hand cramps... usually. I'll have carpal tunnel by the time I'm thirty, though. Maybe twenty-five.

Today was NOT a good day. I didn't do anything horribly self-destructive, in fact, I didn't even think about doing anything horribly self-destructive. Which, considering the circumstances, is a big deal. Everything that I wanted to happen today either didn't happen or didn't work out the way I planned. I'm not big on wrenches being thrown into my tire spokes... I don't like things to go awry, which they usually do because that's life, but I don't like being jilted. Anyway... I found out yesterday that my parents will be putting my dog down. He snapped at my eighteen-month-old nephew. We know there's something wrong with him besides the slight cataracts in his eyes and the arthritis in his hips... he's nine, he would be ten in August... I'm just really struggling with this. He's my puppy. He has seen me through some pretty dark nights, I've had him since I was nine. I've cried into his fur, snuggled with him on the couch, played with him in piles of leaves. I love him so much and it's hard to walk around him knowing that he's basically condemned and he trusts us so much. He trots about and barks out of the window like usual, thinking that life will continue this way when everyone else knows different.

I'll miss his skull-piercing bark at Amish buggies, cats, people, and shadows... it'll be too quiet when he's gone. I'll miss the way he lays between my feet while I sleep, his soft little body keeping me warm, acting as a furnace for my ever-cold body. I'll miss the way he trots through the house, prancing like deer. I'll miss the way he tucks his nose into his leg when he curls up to sleep on the couch, when he stretches and curls his paw over his nose. I'll miss his pointy Chihuahua ears that feel like felt. I'll miss everything about him. I hate this, and I can't believe how much of a struggle it is for me.

My dad and I DID end up going to Battle Creek today to the Family Christian Store, about three hours later than we were supposed to. When we got there they didn't have any rings in my size OR the book I was looking for, (Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy). I DID get a t-shirt that's brown with a pretty pink flower on it. In pink letters it says "b dfrnt" and "be a woman of noble character... ruth 3:11". I like it a lot... I'm wearing it right now, actually.

I'm trying to find something positive in this day about my t-shirt...? I feel like I push people away from me intentionally by exhibiting the most annoying qualities ever. I'm whiney, clingy, needy, over-enthusiastic...

Bad day. I said it was going to be a good day and it didn't turn out that way, so I'm making no promises for tomorrow. The only "friend" I have is controlling and to the point where I'm not sure I even care to make a pros and cons list for fear of seeing just how much the cons outweigh the pros.

I should've left it at "bad day".