3/17/2009: Quesstions...

I'm trying my best to think about the things that I can keep locked inside myself most of the time, the things I think about before I drift off to sleep late at night.

The first thing that pops up is loneliness. There are days -even weeks- when it doesn't bother me to be alone. I've always been a person who enjoys a lot of alone time and down time, because I can think and process. I like to be able to do what I want, keep my own self on task, crank music up as loud as I want... that kind of thing. But then there'll be these days that always follow one right after the other where I want people to want to be around me. I get so lonely that it basically stings my heart and I feel like crying all the time. I want someone to talk to, someone to relate to... someone to care. I know that my family cares, but they're always so busy. I'm the one that's at home all day taking care of the dog, doing dishes and laundry and making dinner... I do a mom's job because my mom has to work. I don't know how to deal with it because there's really nothing I can do to change it.

The second thing that pops up is eating and food. I'm discovering more and more everyday why people acknowledge it as a serious addiction. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I go for is food. I don't eat breakfast... I just eat. And then I keep eating all day long. It's like once I start eating, if I don't have something in my mouth it just doesn't feel right. People have told me to use toothpicks or gum but for some reason, it's just not the same. People have also told me that I need to get myself into therapy, and I totally agree... but health insurance really helps with that issue.

The third, (and last for this post), is my trust issues. I realized yesterday that as much as I SAY I trust other people and God, I definitely don't. I tell other people I trust them... I don't. I tell myself and God that I trust Him... I don't. The worst part is that I don't know what trust looks like. I didn't even trust my parents as a little girl, and that's saying something. It's hard for me to trust, because I don't know what it is or what it involves. I don't know how to do it, don't know what it looks like on a day to day basis...

I'm pretty negative and I lose hope and heart really easily. In short, I'm fickle. And that was something I realized yesterday, too. At the first sign of trouble, I throw my hands up and go, "God, it's screwing up again! I'm done!" I bail. I give up. Because I like things to be orderly, sequential, and on time. Pretty much, I like things done in my way on my schedule. I don't know how to let it go. But last night I told God I was going to. How do you let go and still keep taking steps forward? What does taking a step of faith look like?

I guess I'm more filled with questions than I realized...