I'm getting sick of sitting here and waiting. It's not impatience that's talking in this; it's frustration with my seeming inability to just step in faith. I get so angry with myself because for some reason I guess I believe that if I sit back and don't do anything -and therefore don't screw anything up- everything will work out perfectly. If you don't MOVE, nothing will ever happen!
I feel stuck. I have no idea how to move. The worst part is that people get so impatient and frustrated with being still that they begin to not care in which direction they move. I care. I have to care. I don't want to move away from God. But I feel as though I've been rendered useless and I don't know why that is...?
The last fast that I tried fell flat on its face due to my blatant disobedience and desire for food. I've been getting a word from God that I need to try again. I'm being stubborn and I don't like that about myself, but all I can think of or focus on is food. It's almost as if I need to lock myself in my room for three days, have someone bring my protein shakes to me and not come down until I'm focused on God as I should be. *sigh*
And here comes the loneliness again. I hear certain melodies that match -to a tee- the mourning song my heart is singing for true companionship. For love. I will not do anything out of desperation, but I wish now to share myself with someone... no one seems to want to be shared with. No one seems interested. I pour my heart out to computer screens and journal pages. I pray, I beg... I plead. I want my life to matter. I want to love and be loved. I want my life to be more than beautiful. I want it to be brilliant and fantastical and passionate and lovely... I want to be able to describe my life with little-used adjectives.
I want meaning. I want purpose. I want drive. I want, I want, I want.
My heart feels as though it's ripping into pieces right now. I have no idea how to stop this aching... this longing. I'm angry and frustrated and awed and pathetic and spirited and determined and hopeless and every emotion that ever existed right now. And once again, I am overwhelmed.
How does this happen and... remind me why again?
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These are such beautiful emotions. Does this not sound like a Psalm? David cried out of the depths of his heart and not just the nice sounding stuff, the ugly stuff as well.
ReplyDeleteThough let me challenge you in this - typically David's psalms would end with proclaiming the truth about who God is. Or it's how he feels, but MIXED with the truth of who God is.
These are EXCELLENT desires, because they match up with his truth: purpose, love, fullness, relationship, beauty, adventure. That IS the Word of God over your life, make no mistake about it. Your cry is heard.
PSALM 61 (NKJV)
"Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer,
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
I will abide in Your tabernacle forever,
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.
For You, O God, have heard my vows;
You have given me the heritage of those who fear Your name.
You will prolong the king's life,
His years as many generations.
He shall abide before God forever.
Oh, prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve him!
So I will sing praise to Your name forever,
That I may daily perform my vows.
I like that. :)
ReplyDeleteI have a question, though. It seemed to me, at times, that all David had was desire for more. Not in a selfish way, but he was never satisfied with what the Lord gave him. He was the King of Israel, blessed beyond measure, and yet his life still seemed to be filled with overwhelming emotion.
Am I destined to live with this kind of agonizing desire forever? Because right now it feels so overwhelming that I feel as though I'm not good enough the way I am, that I should be better. And I KNOW that's a lie straight from Hell.