3/7/2009: Trying to trust...

Yesterday I was praising Jehovah Jireh for the work he had done on my day. Today, I find it hard to trust that same aspect of God. Why is it that one day we can totally be awed and humbled by God's amazingness and the next day we can be so doubtful and cynical?

I was talking to Danielle today about RMC and asked her if I could hold down a job while I was there. She said no, they really don't have time to have jobs and obviously they don't get paid. This worried me a little... well, a LOT actually. Because of my surgery and especially since I'll be having surgery again, I have special dietary requirements. I started to worry, started to stress. I started to think, "Great. One more thing that I can add to my list."

I had a mini-meltdown, which I'm not proud of. I got $100 yesterday and I had to spend $25 of it right off the bat to get my sister and I lunch and dinner. It wasn't justified and I'm going to have to apologize to my mom as well as Danielle. My sister's boyfriend was actually really comforting. He was great to me today. I was out in the kitchen making popcorn, and the song "My God's Enough" by Barlow Girl popped into my head.

My God's enough for me,
This world has nothing I need.

And then the name Jehovah Jireh popped into my head and God showed up and said, "Why are you finding it so hard to trust me, Ashlee. Don't you believe that if this is where I want you, all will be taken care of?"

Of course I know that! Trust is still so hard for me. If I could paint a picture of God and I, He'd have His arm around my waist, gently trying to coax me forward and I'd have my hand in my mouth going, "Umm... are you sure?... I don't think..."

I realized today that besides coming home a year ago, this will have to be one of the biggest leaps of faith that I've ever taken. And that scares me, not gonna lie.

But I'm going to stop whining now and just trust. :)

'Cause I'm about to let go,
And live what I believe.
I can't do a thing now,
But hope that You'll catch me.