I'm in a very musical mood right now. Music helps me reconnect sometimes... it helps focus my mind and reminds me of the beauty in this world that I love so much. The art around me everyday that I tend to forget about it.
There was a pretty big epiphany with me tonight. Well... two, actually. The first was about my outlook right now. I've always been a sarcastic person, that just kind of goes along with being me. But tonight I realized that sarcasm has turned into cynicism and pessimism, which effect me so negatively that they threaten to destroy everything God has been working to build in me. I'm allowed to have a dry sense of humor, but every morning that I wake up and look at the world through my cynical glasses, it's like slapping God in the face repeatedly. By refusing to view and focus more on the beauty He has created in this world and all of the other good things and by solely focusing on all of the bad, I rob myself of so many gifts that He tries to give me.
I'm beginning to realize how deeply scarred I am. More so than I even realized. I have never learned to trust anyone or anything, I haven't the slightest clue how to have self-control without obsession... but that's just it, isn't it? God promises to carry me through these life lessons. He promises that if I keep walking in faith with Him, I will see my dreams recognized.
For the first time in a very, very long time, I am beginning to see the beauty that God sees when He looks at me. When I look in the mirror nowadays, my first thought isn't "Eww". That thrills me. Don't get me wrong, I will always know that I am completely undeserving of this thing called grace, but at the same time... He made me. He took time to make every cell, every fiber of my being... he crafted my mind and the way it works, my laugh and the way it kind of cackles when I find something really, truly funny. He made my love for music and conversation.... He's just amazing.
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."
The best part is that I can tell you every way that I am starting to see those fruits in my life. I could go into big, long descriptions of each and give you real life scenarios. Some more than others. Sometimes it seems that I have an overabundance of love and peace. Sometimes I feel lacking in patience and self-control. It doesn't change the fact, though, that I can see each and every one manifesting itself.
Tomorrow I'm going to be writing a post about self-control because it's the one of them that's been kind of weighing on my heart lately. But, for now, as it's 3:37 am... I'm off to bed.
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