3/1/2009: Being Humbled Before God...

I have a problem that I need to apologize for.

I have this tendency to think that people revolve around me. It's a horrid tendency, one that I hate. I can be so selfish sometimes that, in retrospect, it almost makes me sick. I never consider the fact that people have lives and problems and stress of their own. All I ever think about is myself.

Sometimes I feel as though I parade around, pretending to be empathetic and merciful and all of these other things when really, all I care about is myself and how far being nice and concerned and comforting can get me.

I'm sorry, Kim. I am so, so sorry. Yesterday I was expecting you to call. And when you didn't, I was mad at you. Like a horrible brat, I was mad. I apologize so much. I hope you can hear my heart when I say how sorry I am for assuming so many things. I have been humbled before God. I felt shame today for being so selfish. What I got from God was interesting. He said, "Yesterday, you allowed yourself to be carried away and wrapped up in your own emotions without giving a thought to other people. I hope you learn a lesson from this. That you are not the only one who has to deal with pain in everyday life." It made me want to cry. I felt like a little kid. Instead of allowing myself to wallow, though, I'm trying to make it right.

I DID allow my emotions to sweep me away yesterday and that was wrong. I was wrong. Kim, can you forgive me?

There is a point, I think where I have to stop relying on other people to act out my faith for me. I have to rely on God. And know that He is more than enough. He is everything. It's like the Lifehouse song says, "You're all I want, You're all I need. Everything, everything."

He doesn't GIVE me hope. He IS the hope!
He doesn't GIVE me strength. He IS the strength!
He is the faith, the love, the mercy, the compassion, the peace, the conviction, the authority. He's everything.

I have to stop seeing how far I can leap without Him and ask Him to put me in His arms and jump.