3/26/2009: Surgery

It's been decided. I'll be having surgery on April 6, 2009. I am terrified, and I have to evaluate the reasons why. I told my dad tonight that the thought of facing my mortality again, of staring it down like I did two years ago... I just don't wish to do it again. He mentioned that my faith should keep me secure. No matter what happens, I will be safe and okay. I know that I need not have a fear of death anymore, but I'm nineteen for goodness sake. I'm just now starting to like my life and where it's headed, and it'd be a real shame if I went into that OR and never came out alive.

Well, maybe it wouldn't be a shame. I can't say what my reaction would be if I came face-to-face with the Most High, but I don't think it'd, "Aww... really? Why?" Haha. I definitely have a fear of facing all of those emotions over again, though. It was horrifyingly difficult last time they wheeled me into that OR to think about the hours, days, weeks, and months ahead. I was naive last time, this time I'm burned and scarred. Neither is very good, neither is the right frame of mind.

I feel this awful constraint because of time. I have the surgery on the sixth... okay, that's fine. That gives me plenty of time to get over the physical pain and, most likely, even drop a little more weight and become physically stronger by the time school starts in the Fall. However, I have the GED to think about, a driver's license, a job... how am I supposed to do all of these things in almost exactly five months? (Surgery on April 6th, school starts on September 8th). I've said and thought before that if worse comes to worst, I can defer my acceptance for a semester. I don't know why the thought of that makes me so sad. I mean, I WOULD be going, just not when I anticipated. Maybe it's because I fear that if I defer acceptance for one semester, I never WILL go. And that'd crush me, seriously.

I'm also pretty terrified of the physical pain. I remember what it was like last time. So many post-op patients will tell you that they don't really remember the pain. Well, I don't know about them, but I know that for me, that'd be a lie. I remember it quite vividly and it pretty much blew. I thought I was dying, felt like I had been stabbed... what have you. I'm so scared of going through all of that all over again.

And... if I'm being completely honest, I have this weird yet quite real fear that I'll lose it again. That somehow things will start to fall like they did last time and that I'll break down again, lose myself again, end up letting it all slip out of my fingers and be back at square one like I was last time. Sitting on a bed at Pine Rest in the wee hours of the morning thinking of nothing but what brought me there. It's crazy. My parents tell me that this is what all adults deal with. If that's the case, can I choose the option of being a kid forever? Buying my one-way ticket to Neverland?

There are probably about a billion other "fears" I could discuss, but I won't.

I guess I just don't know what to do...